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My 87-year-old Mom’s Advice to Entrepreneurs

May 21, 2012

“As you grow older, you’ll find the only things you regret are the things you didn’t do.” ~ Zachary Scott

I love talking with entrepreneurs! Doesn’t matter—young folk or the more mature person leaping into, “I want to be my own boss!” I love immersion in the excitement mixed with the real fear of the unknown.

Yesterday, we had brunch with “Maya.” She’s trying to find the precise combo of timing and financial means to leave her corporate position and launch her part-time business into a full-time enterprise.

As she struggles to decide the precise time to fully launch her business, Maya looked to me (and Bill) for advice.

“How do I decide if and when this is the right thing to do?”

It’s impossible to tell her how. We can only tell her that 15 years ago, Bill and I simply decided to:

Dive in and start swimming toward the other shore

We knew there was a possibility of drowning before we reached the other side. So be it—standing safely on the shore ceased being an option in our life.

I shared an old story with Maya. When I was 21, I decided to travel around Europe for 3 weeks in July. None of my peers could accompany me.

“I wonder if Mom would like to go? Wow. Wouldn’t that be a blast?”

Mom was thrilled that as a 21-year-old I wanted to spend 3 weeks in Europe with my mother. We made plans to go. Then she changed her mind. She wouldn’t go.

I went on my European jaunt…alone.

Mom and I have spoken of that fateful trip (and her regret) numerous times over the years. I called Mom this afternoon and told her I’d shared the story and the regret with Maya.

“Mom, I know you’ve said that not going to Europe with me was one of the biggest regrets of your life. That if you could go back, if you knew then what you know now, you’d never pass up such an opportunity.

“Tell me what I can tell Maya. Give her some advice from your perspective.”

Silence on the phone line. Uh oh. Did I dredge a painful memory?

Mom chuckled. “I wish someone had given me this advice all those years ago. Tell Maya to get a blank sheet of paper. Write CON at the top of the page on the left side and PRO on the right side. Tell Maya that this would have been my list:”

CON

My husband doesn’t want me to go to Europe

He might fall asleep with a lit cigarette and burn down our house

He might fall asleep leaving food cooking on the stove and burn down our house

I might lose all the “stuff” I’ve worked so hard for

I alone am responsible to keep the peace in my marriage

I alone am responsible to insure my husband’s peace of mind

He might need me

He might get sick

He will pout for weeks when I return home

I’m worried there will be hell (and bills) to pay

Just thinking about what I might lose is so painful

PRO

My smart, adventurous, grown woman child wants to share the trip of a lifetime with ME…I may never get another chance to do it

I have the money

My smart, adventurous, grown woman child wants to share the trip of a lifetime with ME…I may never get another chance to do it

I have the vacation time

My smart, adventurous, grown woman child wants to share the trip of a lifetime with ME…I may never get another chance to do it

If he burns down the house, we have insurance

My smart, adventurous, grown woman child wants to share the trip of a lifetime with ME…I may never get another chance to do it

If he burns down the house, that may be his inspiration to quit smoking

My smart, adventurous, grown woman child wants to share the trip of a lifetime with ME…I may never get another chance to do it

The mere thought of this trip makes my heart leap with joy

“Mom! So what do you think Maya’s list will tell Maya?”

“Maya will know, honey—Maya will know. Let her find out for herself.

Just like I did…”

People, Ethics, and Business

“If the career you have chosen has some unexpected inconvenience, console yourself by reflecting that no career is without them.”

~ Jane Fonda

“I have a business question for you Mrs. Roddy. It’s actually a people issue.”

Another young entrepreneur had lunch with me today. I’m proud that these young men and women feel they can share anything with me—business and personal. He looked up from the menu. I could feel his urgency to understand and resolve a dilemma.

“I connected with a network group that has brought me lots of business clients. I’m struggling with one thing, though. I give the client the contract, they read it, sign it, and then still expect me to provide additional not-agreed-upon services once I’m on the site.

“It’s puts me in a difficult bind, Mrs. Roddy. I bring a crew, we have a certain amount of time to finish the job, and I have to pay the crew. The client seems to think it’s no big deal for us to spend another hour or more on details. I don’t get why people don’t understand a contract. If they want that additional service, I’m happy to provide…just not for free. Am I wrong?”

“That is one thing we’ve all had to deal with in the beginning of our businesses,” I responded. “I know exactly the frustration you feel. You are right.”

“I’m starting to wonder about this particular group of clients. Those clients asking for free services make complaints to the networking group that referred me as though I’m cheating them or something.”

“Everything is itemized in the contract?”

“Everything. I’ve already lost some income. Since I’m on the site, I’ve gone ahead and provided the extra service with the client’s promise that they would pay me. Most didn’t pay for that extra, Mrs. Roddy.”

“You know what? Rather than just give you my thoughts, let me put out a FB request to some truly savvy business strategists I know. Let’s see what they have to say!”

Elder Wisdom (part 2 of 2)

“Be proud to wear you.” ~ Dovinsky

I have long been a dreamer…literally. My paternal and maternal grandmothers and aunts were fascinated with dreams. Dream analysis holds strong tradition among my rural Arkansas born and raised African-American female kin.

During my childhood visits to their farm, our dreams were a favorite conversation with my Grandmothers Queen and Bertha. They’d ask me, “Honey, what did you dream last night?” Great-aunt Sylvia declared, “Dreams are God’s Whispers.”

And so it was…four years ago, the following dream gave me the validation I needed to dispense with my desperate ruminations about my value in the world. I was able to let go and embrace confidence and respect for where I am, my talent, and how I move through the world…

I walked into my kitchen to find my four grandparents sitting around the table. Their heads were bowed as if in prayer. I sat down knowing that they were at my table to pass on some important wisdom to their granddaughter.

Now my grandparents are deceased for many years. Three were born in the 1890s. I felt awe and anticipation. I waited for them to speak to me.

Grandmother Queen slowly raised her head and looked me in the eye. “We have a confession to make.” The bowed heads were actually embarrassment and shame!

They shared humbling stories of youthful indiscretions (100 years ago?) that still generated shame. The four were also having serious marital disagreements and wanted current info about how to better get along with one’s spouse. They were serious!

Huh? Wait a minute…I’m the granddaughter. You are the wise elders. You want to confess…to ME? The ancestors seek my counsel? In the afterlife?

I was flabbergasted.

I awoke. I felt a calm and connection in that experience that welled water in my eyes.

The ancestors, the people who gave life to my body, are passing the baton to me. Time is not “running out” for me. My aging is a positive passage. Now I am perceived as wise one, an inspirer, a connector, and an elder for my family.

Some of you might think this dream is symbolic and not “real.” That’s OK —you could be correct.

But does it matter? It changed my life. Stopped my self-shaming—cold.

The world may think my talents lack razzle/dazzle. My grandparents and I are one, and my grandparents think that who I am, the things I do that make my heart and other’s hearts sing, are just about priceless.

That’s good enough for me now, too.

Elder Wisdom (part 1 of 2)

“Use what talent you possess. The world would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang loudest.” ~ Henry Van Dyke

Much of the last decade, I went through a dark night of the soul. I felt like a failure.

Yep…

I replayed these desperate thoughts: “I’m getting older, it’s the beginning of the 21^st century, time is running out for me. By this age…

I should have advanced degrees…even though I don’t want them
I should have a mansion on a hill…even though I don’t want one
I should be taking exotic vacations…even though I don’t care to
I should have parlayed my talent into millions of dollars into our bank account…and I haven’t succeeded (even though I’ve tried)
I should have letters behind my name, a corner office on some 10^th floor, plaques on the wall that cite awards from CNBC, Entrepreneur Magazine, the Governor, the President, the Dalai Lama, Oprah Winfrey…and I don’t really care that I don’t have

Shame. On. Me.

Wanna know what brought on these recriminations? I have one major talent, a talent I’ve known about most of my life, a talent that when I allow its expression, brings me immense satisfaction, peace, and joy.

But much of our culture thinks my talent is…worthless, because my talent isn’t razzle/dazzle. It can’t be bottled, packaged, marketed, hung on the wall, and sold to the highest bidder.

So I was stuck in this loop of thinking, “Since our culture views my talent worthless, I need to give it up, concentrate on cultivating another talent, one the world will value. To do any less is to be a failure.”

Yesterday, while having lunch with Dara Moore Beevas, I was reminded of my talent, how much I love expressing it. As I listened to beautiful, brilliant, young Dara speak of her longings, her joys, her frustrations, her satisfactions, my mind drifted back to that night 4 years ago, and the event that ended my self-shaming…

Friendship Asks For Love (part 3 of 3)

“The struggle to learn to listen to and respect our own intuitive inner promptings is the greatest challenge of all.” ~ Herb Goldberg

Dianna giggled. “Wait a minute, Mrs. Roddy! I find that hard to believe. You’re kidding, right? You’re telling me you didn’t always ‘trust YOUR gut?’”

I laughed too. “Now don’t roll your eyes when I say this…when I was young and cute like you (she rolled her eyes)…yes, I felt bewildered at how often I had that stomach churning feeling. That feeling that warned me a person or situation was wrong for me, and I jumped in anyway. I’d say to myself, what do I know? It can’t really be that bad! The results of that nonchalant behavior fluctuated between merely annoying to incidents of heart wrenching disaster.

Dianna’s eyes opened wide. “You mean ‘disaster’ as in….”

Ancient history. Memories of wounds long healed but not forgotten.

“Disaster as in people deeply, deeply hurt. But mostly disasters that didn’t have to be disasters had I listened to the screaming voice within. That, I think is the worst component of the pain. It’s also the true healing and growth that I apparently had to experience. Now, I’m OK with it—perhaps even glad—for I learned great life lessons quite early. And while I still may not be perfectly in tune, I can honestly say that I never hesitate to stop, listen to that clanging bell, and try to discern its call.”

We sat quietly for a few moments. I stared at this beautiful, trusting young woman. I tried to picture Dianna 30 years older. Did sharing my experience help her? Will it shelter her from the storms? In 30 years will she sit with another young woman and have a similar conversation?

What do you think readers? Write to me. I’m living to know…

Friendship Asks For Love

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” – Dr. Seuss

“Mrs. Roddy? You know there is something of a personal nature that I wanted to run by you and see what you think…”

Oh how this young woman has evolved! I mentored her in 1998 when she was 15 years old. At that time, she had struggles with her family—her mom in particular. “Dianna” (she asked that I not reveal her real name), was steeped in anger and confusion.

Now she’s a mature young woman. She’s a college graduate and works in the health care industry. Around Halloween 2011, she called my mobile, surprised that I still had the same number. We’ve had lunch several times since then. It’s been a joy to reconnect with her; so wonderful to see her smile. We’d just finished talking up the pleasantries—her career, her recent Florida vacation, and my new projects. Now she needed my advice.

“Go right ahead, honey—ask away.”

“I have two good friends, ‘Charles’ and ‘Sandra.’ They’ve dated for a few months now. Things seem to be going OK, but….

She shrugged and shook her head. “When they have a squabble, each calls and asks if I’ve spoken to the other. Then, they each tell me the TRUE version of what went down. Each asks my opinion on what they should do about the ‘situation’ since, ‘Dianna, I know you’ll tell me the straight up deal.’

“I gotta tell ya Mrs. Roddy, I’m feeling uncomfortable being in the middle of this. Something about it doesn’t feel right! I appreciate that both like and respect me enough to think I could be a mediator. But lately, my stomach kind of turns over whenever the caller ID says it’s one of them. What do you think I should do?”

I didn’t mean to laugh. I quickly composed myself and explained my grin. “Honey, you don’t need my advice. Your body is your best counsel. What is it saying?”

She looked out across the restaurant for a moment. “Being stuck in the middle is literally sickening. I remember you telling me years ago, ‘trust your gut, your body doesn’t lie.’ I thought I knew what that meant…”

“And now?”

She took a big breath, exhaled, and sighed.

Father Wisdom

“It is a wise father that knows his own child.” — William Shakespeare

I marvel at our young “mystery” man’s growth and maturity. His expanding wisdom as a man committed to living as his child’s beacon of light —that is life changing! Let me share his latest profile in courage:

“Bill told me you face a new challenge raising your daughter.”

Our young friend had joined us for breakfast. He grinned.

“Well…yes, and no. I’m learning that challenges, whether it’s in parenting, business, or just life, give us another opportunity to get creative. This creative opportunity happens to be in parenting.”

Now it was my turn to grin. “Oh, so you’ve created a new parenting skill? The world needs to hear positive solutions to the ongoing saga of ‘how do I keep my kids (and me) sane and healthy.’ Please…tell us!”

“My daughter was hyper when she returned from her weekend visits with her mother and siblings. I know her mother’s home is higher energy than mine. My daughter has siblings to play with, and squabble with at her mom’s. She returns to my home buzzing with a little too much high energy.

“It was a real problem for a few weeks because her school attendance suffered. Monday morning I’d pick her up from her mom’s and she had difficulty settling down in school. It took about 48 hours for my calm child to return.

“So I thought about how I enjoy this radio station on the Internet that I programmed to play nature sounds—rushing water, ocean waves, birds singing. I left it on one night in her room. She slept through the night and was calm and peaceful the next day. Now she asks me, ‘Daddy, can you leave that station on tonight? I really like it. It helps me fall asleep.’”

“Very wise, my young friend. What’s the name of this station?”

www.pandora.com

“It has many of genres of music. Just pick ‘Nature’ if you like those soothing sounds.”

Amazing. Creative. Phenomenal parenting.

Love it…

People Partnering Productively

“We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.” – Carl Jung

“Nothing brings down walls as surely as acceptance.” — Deepak Chopra

I had an invaluable experience last week. Within that experience I learned more than I’ve ever known about:

Acceptance
Patience
Respect
Trust
Encouragement

One of my pet peeves is when I fail to follow through on a promise and I don’t own that failure. Doesn’t matter if it’s business or personal, it’s humiliating to feel I’ve let someone down. But I learned a long time ago that I feel worse if I don’t call/write and admit I dropped the ball.

Perhaps you can relate?

So I make a conscious effort to do just that…I call/contact them. I do that because I would want others to show me that same courtesy.

This week on FaceBook I posted a status requesting the following:

“If you are a grown person, simply say to me, ‘Gail, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to follow through on what I promised.’”

It was a generic request. I meant that with that simple statement to me, my capacity to forgive and forget would be just about limitless. I had no particular person in mind in sending that request. To my amazement, four people I know direct messaged me and apologized for some trespass against me that I don’t even remember!

What do I make of this? Seems we are all looking for the same thing from others AND ourselves: Acceptance, Patience, Respect, Trust, Encouragement.

Imagine that…

Love Under Construction – Kitchen

February 10, 2012

“Preach not to others what they should eat, but eat as becomes you and be silent.” — Epictetus

Today, Bill Roddy joined our young “mystery” man and me. I prepared lunch. We sat at the table and passed around a large bowl filled with greens, avocado, tomato, and broccoli.

Our young friend chuckled. “I remember the first few times Bill took me out to lunch. I was just a kid. To me lunch was burgers and fries at a fast food joint. I didn’t say anything, but I remember thinking, ‘why are we eating here? And he doesn’t really think I’m going to eat that rabbit food stuff?’”

“Bill always had a large salad for lunch. I thought that was the weirdest thing; especially for a guy. But Bill ate that salad like it was the most delicious meal in the world! It wasn’t long before I copied his behavior when I went to lunch with him. I don’t know, maybe it took a couple of years, but I started doing the same thing even when I ate alone!”

Bill sat silent, smiling his sly smile.

“I could tell you thought I was making you eat something horrible.” We all laughed. “Remember those first few lunches? I let you eat your burgers and fries. I didn’t even suggest that you eat what I was eating. I learned a long time ago that influence is best when it is silent and consistent.”

I laughed. “So, Mr. Salad Man! You’re gonna tell me that your Action Asset #4 means your future wife must be a nuts and berries eating vegetarian? Good luck with that one, my young friend!”

“No, I admit Action Asset #4 will probably be a bonus for me,” he said.

Bill and I chimed in together. “Huh?”

“I’ve noticed that women generally eat healthier than guys do, anyway. Women are usually way ahead of us on this one. So if she has the previous Action Assets, odds are she will probably have started healthy eating long before I did. I bet her kitchen construction tools will teach me a lot.”

We couldn’t agree more.

Next post: Valentine’s Day, Tuesday, February 14^th. Action Asset #5 – the Master Bedroom – connection with intimacy

Love Under Construction – Family Room

February 6, 2012

“That bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life.” — Richard Bach

“I took these pictures yesterday.” He grinned as he showed me the cutest pictures of his daughter.

“Wow. She’s growing so fast,” I said. “Can’t believe how quickly time passes when it comes to our kids.”

I paused for a moment, not wanting to be too nosey. “I know how hard you work to be a good parent. I’m proud of you for many reasons but I’m especially proud of the way you’ve stepped up to parent. I know it’s been tough. You don’t have the best interaction with her mom, right?”

“Yeah, I try, Mrs. Roddy. Parenting is way harder than I ever would have believed. But you and Bill have always taught me that whatever I need and want to learn in life, there ARE resources available. I just have to have the courage to reach out to those resources and the willingness to put them into practice.”

“Hmmm. I bet you are about to tell me this is your #3 Action Asset.”

He laughed. “How’d you guess? Since I have a child I’m certainly open to marry a woman who is also a parent. But I grew up in a family where, I don’t know, I guess most of the adults had good intentions to take care of us. But most didn’t, and they must not have considered it an option to ask for help and learn what makes a positive model of parenting.”

I nodded. “Yes, people usually parent the way they were parented. We think that’s just the way you do it. So when it comes to parenting, you’d like your future wife to….”

“I don’t want us to begin our blended family criticizing one another’s parenting skills. I feel I’m a good parent; I’m sure she feels the same about her child. But I’d also want her to see the value in letting someone teach us TOGETHER ways to be even BETTER parents. Don’t our kids deserve that?”

Next post: Friday, February 10^th. In the kitchen cooking up Action Asset #4

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