It’s so important for couples to thank one another for all the helpful things we do to keep our marriage, our hearth, and our health on a positive course!
It matters…it matter a lot!
]]>
Bill and Gail Roddy laugh a lot! It’s one of the many ways we bond as husband and wife, keeping our marriage a playful space that feels safe, secure, and sacred—a sheltered place for us to grow.
During disagreements—yes, even when those rip-roaring arguments arise usually one of us will crack a joke to end the tension
“I’m calling your mother to tell her how badly I’m behaving.”
Who could keep arguing after that playful zinger?
It’s been a thrill for us to have you follow our blogging. Your comments and support encourage us to continue to share our message of relationship mentoring and community.
We invite you to join us as we embark on this next phase of our journey: to share our message of positive values through videos.
We hope you enjoy these 2 short clips—the first in our series entitled:
Manhood Moments and Gail’s Gems
If you like them, let us know!
We are having a ball creating them; filming lots of bloopers; laughing; starting all over again!
View these two, then come back next week. We are diligently practicing creating more.
And you know what they say about “practice!”
]]>
July 24, 2012
“Mrs. Roddy, I’m so frustrated with my husband, “John.”
“You know we’ve only been married for 3 years. If I’d known how he managed money…”
A young woman I mentor invited me for coffee. She said she wanted to get together and talk out her frustrations with someone experienced in “dealing with a husband.”
OK. I guess that’s me.
“We had another huge fight yesterday about money, Mrs. Roddy. John calls me a tightwad. He says I’m cheap. I say he blows through money like crazy and never thinks about the repercussions.”
“I feel for you, honey. I don’t know a married couple that is exactly on the same page when it comes to managing their money. That goes for Bill and Gail Roddy, too. I can’t say we’re worlds apart, but I’m a better money manager, more frugal than Bill, and he’d be the first to concur.”
“You need to make every effort to work it out though. That very well may include professional help. I don’t mean just a financial planner. I mean a therapist—a professional that can walk with you through your issues with money. We all have those issues and they usually go back to our family of origin and how we learned the meaning and importance of money.
“Here are a couple of resources I invite you to check out to help you get the dialogue with John started.
“The Hard Questions, 100 Essential Questions To Ask Before You Say ‘I Do’ is a book I have gifted to about 6 young women over the last few years. They were either engaged or in a committed relationship.
“It’s a small (less than 100 pages) and easy to read book. It is valuable even for couples already married.
“I think it’s interesting that Chapter 2 discusses Money perceptions. That discussion is second after Chapter 1 on Home. That means Money precedes chapters on Sex, Work, Family, Children, Community and Friends, and Spiritual Life.
Based on my many years of marital experience, I’d have put Money as Chapter 1.
“Check out this powerful little book. I like that it’s written in a non-judging manner. Young women give me feedback that their mates actually enjoyed reading it together as a couple.
This link to the Smart Money article gives tips you can share as well with John.
Please be sensitive to John’s perception. I find that in dealing with Bill, (male ego); I need to keep the information sharing light-hearted. No hard sell—no pressure. You know your mate and how he processes new information. Keep that in mind!
http://www.smartmoney.com/spend/family-money/the-six-financial-mistakes-couples-make-15414/
Take care, honey. Work on this with John. I’m certainly open if you’d like to get together in a few months!
]]>
May 21, 2012
“As you grow older, you’ll find the only things you regret are the things you didn’t do.” ~ Zachary Scott
I love talking with entrepreneurs! Doesn’t matter—young folk or the more mature person leaping into, “I want to be my own boss!” I love immersion in the excitement mixed with the real fear of the unknown.
Yesterday, we had brunch with “Maya.” She’s trying to find the precise combo of timing and financial means to leave her corporate position and launch her part-time business into a full-time enterprise.
As she struggles to decide the precise time to fully launch her business, Maya looked to me (and Bill) for advice.
“How do I decide if and when this is the right thing to do?”
It’s impossible to tell her how. We can only tell her that 15 years ago, Bill and I simply decided to:
Dive in and start swimming toward the other shore
We knew there was a possibility of drowning before we reached the other side. So be it—standing safely on the shore ceased being an option in our life.
I shared an old story with Maya. When I was 21, I decided to travel around Europe for 3 weeks in July. None of my peers could accompany me.
“I wonder if Mom would like to go? Wow. Wouldn’t that be a blast?”
Mom was thrilled that as a 21-year-old I wanted to spend 3 weeks in Europe with my mother. We made plans to go. Then she changed her mind. She wouldn’t go.
I went on my European jaunt…alone.
Mom and I have spoken of that fateful trip (and her regret) numerous times over the years. I called Mom this afternoon and told her I’d shared the story and the regret with Maya.
“Mom, I know you’ve said that not going to Europe with me was one of the biggest regrets of your life. That if you could go back, if you knew then what you know now, you’d never pass up such an opportunity.
“Tell me what I can tell Maya. Give her some advice from your perspective.”
Silence on the phone line. Uh oh. Did I dredge a painful memory?
Mom chuckled. “I wish someone had given me this advice all those years ago. Tell Maya to get a blank sheet of paper. Write CON at the top of the page on the left side and PRO on the right side. Tell Maya that this would have been my list:”
CON
My husband doesn’t want me to go to Europe
He might fall asleep with a lit cigarette and burn down our house
He might fall asleep leaving food cooking on the stove and burn down our house
I might lose all the “stuff” I’ve worked so hard for
I alone am responsible to keep the peace in my marriage
I alone am responsible to insure my husband’s peace of mind
He might need me
He might get sick
He will pout for weeks when I return home
I’m worried there will be hell (and bills) to pay
Just thinking about what I might lose is so painful
PRO
My smart, adventurous, grown woman child wants to share the trip of a lifetime with ME…I may never get another chance to do it
I have the money
My smart, adventurous, grown woman child wants to share the trip of a lifetime with ME…I may never get another chance to do it
I have the vacation time
My smart, adventurous, grown woman child wants to share the trip of a lifetime with ME…I may never get another chance to do it
If he burns down the house, we have insurance
My smart, adventurous, grown woman child wants to share the trip of a lifetime with ME…I may never get another chance to do it
If he burns down the house, that may be his inspiration to quit smoking
My smart, adventurous, grown woman child wants to share the trip of a lifetime with ME…I may never get another chance to do it
The mere thought of this trip makes my heart leap with joy
“Mom! So what do you think Maya’s list will tell Maya?”
“Maya will know, honey—Maya will know. Let her find out for herself.
Just like I did…”
“Always walk through life as if you have something new to learn and you will.” ~ Vernon Howard
“What do you think, Auntie G? Do you think Bill’s marital advice to me will be very different from yours?”
I was on the phone with my cousin’s 31-year-old daughter, “Paige.” She had called and asked my advice about a common marital dilemma–your partner unwittingly hurt your feelings. What do you do?
Knowing that I’ve been married for 22 years, and she for 4 years, Paige wanted to hear my perspective as she’s deciding how best to deal with the situation. I’d just finished giving her several things I thought she might use to help resolve this particular issue.
(Read our conversation in the previous blog post, Hurtful Words, Healing Choices (part 1 of 2)
I called Bill into the room so he could give Paige a husband’s perspective.
“Here’s Bill, Paige honey.” I handed Bill the phone. “I’ll let you two talk.”
“Hi there, Paige! Why don’t you tell me what advice my loving wife gave you?” Bill laughed. “Now give me the brief version. I’m sure I’ve heard it before!”
Paige filled him in; Bill listened, nodding his head.
“Interesting advice, Paige. I agree with Gail. Coming from a male perspective and a long-term husband perspective, I guess I do have something to add:
“Paige, as men, we can sometimes say some really bone-head things to our spouses. I can volunteer myself as an example. When Gail and I were in the first few years of marriage, I remember some of the bone-headed things I said to her. I had no intention of deliberately trying to hurt her. I was in my early 30s, had never been married. Looking back, I realize I had spent my 20s in a state of selfishness. Life had been all about me, my, mine. While that’s normal for a single person; for a single man, it has poor consequences. We don’t shift to sharing quite as easily as women. I think it’s biology. Still, men can and need to learn to share. It’s healthier for us.
Sometimes as men we don’t understand the powerful effect our words can have on loved ones. I don’t believe men will ever stop saying these things. Even those of us who have nothing but the best intentions. I have no problem admitting that we need help from others to increase our awareness of this tendency we have.
These three things work with me in raising my awareness when:
- Gail brings something to my attention in a loving manner
- She tells me while she’s holding my hand or some other small, simple, loving physical gesture
- She doesn’t compare me to any other man, whether it’s her father, brother, past boyfriend. Nothing will make me shut down quicker.
When a man, who is deeply in love with his spouse, is made aware of a tendency that causes her pain, he should automatically want to start working on it. But he needs to know that you will have patience and forgiveness. That doesn’t mean you let him slide. On the contrary, you do need to let us know that there are boundaries. A true, adult man, will have no problem with that.
I have learned to become self-aware of the words that I use everyday with Gail. Paige, please be patient with Art and yourself. As Gail said, you have your whole marriage to practice and learn “getting it right.” Gail and I will always be available to help in anyway we can.
Love always and take care.
]]>
“The best relationships in our lives are not the best because they have been the happiest ones, they are that way because they have stayed strong through the most tormentful of storms.” ~ Pandora Poikilos
I received a phone call from my cousin’s oldest daughter, “Paige.” What a pleasant surprise. Paige is 31. She and her husband “Art” have been happily married for four years. She affectionately calls me Auntie G.
“Auntie G, since you and Bill have been together so long, and are such experienced mentors, I thought I’d ask a question about a painful, sticky situation in my marriage. I’m struggling to figure out what to do.
“Have you ever wanted to share a hurtful moment with Bill, long after the moment occurred? Art said something that was hurtful and I doubt he realized how much it hurt my feelings. It’s been more than a year since he said it and I have never addressed it. Is it too late to bring it up? I don’t want to make him feel bad, but I can’t seem to let it go.”
I silently flipped through my memory database. Ah…yes, there’s a recall of a painful interaction between Mr. & Mrs. Roddy. How did I work that one out? Oh yeah, that’s right. I remember.
“I know that you and Art are BOTH committed to the health and well-being of your marriage. If you tell me otherwise, or if you tell me there is serious dysfunction, I will have to advise you to see a licensed counselor. Everything I share with you is solely based on my marriage experience. You understand that, right?”
“I understand, Auntie G. That’s what I want…your experience and what you did. Then I can decide what to do from there.”
“Good. OK. In the early years of our marriage, when something like your dilemma occurred (and it occurred frequently), I would execute one of the following plans:
Plan A. I sat Bill down — You said something hurtful last year (last week, yesterday, this morning), this is what you said, it still bothers me, I’m having trouble getting over it, I’m tired of the energy it’s consuming, will you assist me
Plan B. There is no mal intent, I let it go, I forgive, and I strive to forget. There will be many such incidents to practice forgive him for he knew not what in the world he did. He will have just as many occasions to practice the same in dealing with you.
“Paige, you have my permission to try my Plans A&B. They may work quite well for you. I hope they do. Just know that in the early years, Plans A&B were dismal failures…for me.
“Today, Plans A&B do work OK in certain situations. But…ya know what works for me all the time, every time—what makes my wifely heart thump, thump, thump with anticipation of…issue resolved? It’s:
Plan C. Engage your brilliant, supple mind, and through trial and error, discover a solution that feels good to YOU.
“Here’s my Plan C. It makes me smile just thinking about it:
Bill, honey, I watched Dr. Phil today (or read an article, or watched a movie, or talked with a girlfriend). The husband on the show made a truly bone-headed mistake. He said/did—xyz. His wife is hurt/furious/sad. I wasn’t real pleased with the advice Dr. Phil gave the husband. As I watched the show, all I could think of is ‘What wise and positive chastisement would Bill Roddy give that wayward husband?’
“Always. Always. Bill Roddy drops what he’s doing and gives me a power point presentation on:
- What that hubby did wrong and how truly bone headed it was
- What that hubby was thinking when he did the wrong
- What that hubby should do post haste to correct the wrong and make that wife joyful again
“That’s it. Makes my hurt disappear. You see Paige, for me, having Bill directly apologize rarely makes me feel better. I understand that a direct, sincere apology works for many women. But I need to know WHY he said what he said. If I ask him directly, he will answer from his head. It’s so painful for him to know he hurt me, so he might even tell me what he thinks I want to hear just to get it over with and stop the pain. I want an answer from his heart. Men like to fix things—especially other people’s things! So I encourage him to fix this “other man’s” mistake.
“Now some people might frown on my Plan C. They might say it’s silly, manipulative, and Bill can see right through it. They might be correct. Fine. But I’ve been blissfully married to Bill Roddy for 22 years. He says he feels the same way about being married to me. Can one argue with success?
“That’s the crux of it. You just have to spend time, maybe even years, as I did, figuring out what works best for you. You’re gonna be married to this man for the rest of your life! What else have you got to do? What’s more important than that? Whichever plan(s) you choose to use, whatever new plan(s) your brilliant mind creates, how will you know it’s the right plan? You’ll know it’s the right plan if upon implementation:
You-Feel-At-Ease-Issue-Resolved-To-Your-Spirit’s-Satisfaction
“Okay Paige, honey. I’ve gone on long enough. Let’s get a second opinion.
“Hey, Billy. Come on in here and talk to Paige. She needs your advice!
]]>~ Jane Fonda
“I have a business question for you Mrs. Roddy. It’s actually a people issue.”
Another young entrepreneur had lunch with me today. I’m proud that these young men and women feel they can share anything with me—business and personal. He looked up from the menu. I could feel his urgency to understand and resolve a dilemma.
“I connected with a network group that has brought me lots of business clients. I’m struggling with one thing, though. I give the client the contract, they read it, sign it, and then still expect me to provide additional not-agreed-upon services once I’m on the site.
“It’s puts me in a difficult bind, Mrs. Roddy. I bring a crew, we have a certain amount of time to finish the job, and I have to pay the crew. The client seems to think it’s no big deal for us to spend another hour or more on details. I don’t get why people don’t understand a contract. If they want that additional service, I’m happy to provide…just not for free. Am I wrong?”
“That is one thing we’ve all had to deal with in the beginning of our businesses,” I responded. “I know exactly the frustration you feel. You are right.”
“I’m starting to wonder about this particular group of clients. Those clients asking for free services make complaints to the networking group that referred me as though I’m cheating them or something.”
“Everything is itemized in the contract?”
“Everything. I’ve already lost some income. Since I’m on the site, I’ve gone ahead and provided the extra service with the client’s promise that they would pay me. Most didn’t pay for that extra, Mrs. Roddy.”
“You know what? Rather than just give you my thoughts, let me put out a FB request to some truly savvy business strategists I know. Let’s see what they have to say!”
]]>I have long been a dreamer…literally. My paternal and maternal grandmothers and aunts were fascinated with dreams. Dream analysis holds strong tradition among my rural Arkansas born and raised African-American female kin.
During my childhood visits to their farm, our dreams were a favorite conversation with my Grandmothers Queen and Bertha. They’d ask me, “Honey, what did you dream last night?” Great-aunt Sylvia declared, “Dreams are God’s Whispers.”
And so it was…four years ago, the following dream gave me the validation I needed to dispense with my desperate ruminations about my value in the world. I was able to let go and embrace confidence and respect for where I am, my talent, and how I move through the world…
I walked into my kitchen to find my four grandparents sitting around the table. Their heads were bowed as if in prayer. I sat down knowing that they were at my table to pass on some important wisdom to their granddaughter.
Now my grandparents are deceased for many years. Three were born in the 1890s. I felt awe and anticipation. I waited for them to speak to me.
Grandmother Queen slowly raised her head and looked me in the eye. “We have a confession to make.” The bowed heads were actually embarrassment and shame!
They shared humbling stories of youthful indiscretions (100 years ago?) that still generated shame. The four were also having serious marital disagreements and wanted current info about how to better get along with one’s spouse. They were serious!
Huh? Wait a minute…I’m the granddaughter. You are the wise elders. You want to confess…to ME? The ancestors seek my counsel? In the afterlife?
I was flabbergasted.
I awoke. I felt a calm and connection in that experience that welled water in my eyes.
The ancestors, the people who gave life to my body, are passing the baton to me. Time is not “running out” for me. My aging is a positive passage. Now I am perceived as wise one, an inspirer, a connector, and an elder for my family.
Some of you might think this dream is symbolic and not “real.” That’s OK —you could be correct.
But does it matter? It changed my life. Stopped my self-shaming—cold.
The world may think my talents lack razzle/dazzle. My grandparents and I are one, and my grandparents think that who I am, the things I do that make my heart and other’s hearts sing, are just about priceless.
That’s good enough for me now, too.
]]>Much of the last decade, I went through a dark night of the soul. I felt like a failure.
Yep…
I replayed these desperate thoughts: “I’m getting older, it’s the beginning of the 21st century, time is running out for me. By this age…
- I should have advanced degrees…even though I don’t want them
- I should have a mansion on a hill…even though I don’t want one
- I should be taking exotic vacations…even though I don’t care to
- I should have parlayed my talent into millions of dollars into our bank account…and I haven’t succeeded (even though I’ve tried)
- I should have letters behind my name, a corner office on some 10th floor, plaques on the wall that cite awards from CNBC, Entrepreneur Magazine, the Governor, the President, the Dalai Lama, Oprah Winfrey…and I don’t really care that I don’t have
Shame. On. Me.
Wanna know what brought on these recriminations? I have one major talent, a talent I’ve known about most of my life, a talent that when I allow its expression, brings me immense satisfaction, peace, and joy.
But much of our culture thinks my talent is…worthless, because my talent isn’t razzle/dazzle. It can’t be bottled, packaged, marketed, hung on the wall, and sold to the highest bidder.
So I was stuck in this loop of thinking, “Since our culture views my talent worthless, I need to give it up, concentrate on cultivating another talent, one the world will value. To do any less is to be a failure.”
Yesterday, while having lunch with Dara Moore Beevas, I was reminded of my talent, how much I love expressing it. As I listened to beautiful, brilliant, young Dara speak of her longings, her joys, her frustrations, her satisfactions, my mind drifted back to that night 4 years ago, and the event that ended my self-shaming…
]]>
“So Mrs. Roddy, explain to me again how that works. Charles and Sandra are wonderful people, great friends of mine, educated, hard working, and come from good families. I like them! How is it that my body is giving me a “heads-up” to get out from under their drama?”
“Well, honey, it’s complicated…and yet, it isn’t. Nothing magical or mystical about it—it’s science. Our brains are wonderful computers. Data is coming in from more sources than your eyes and ears can process. But your brain is processing this information all the time even if you are not fully aware.
“It has nothing to do with Charles and Sandra being deceptive with you. I’d bet they’re sincere, truly value your advice, and think you can help them. What’s not to like?
“From where I’m sitting, as a spectator to this story, I wouldn’t even concern myself with the details of Charles and Sandra’s motives. We do that too often—we ‘over intellectualize.’”
Dianna frowned. “Over intellectualize?”
“Yes. Mr. Roddy used to chastise me about that. I’d want to know the WHY about something concerning human interaction—mine or other people’s. Especially if that interaction felt uncomfortable. Bill would roll his eyes and ask me, ‘what difference does WHY make? That potential client you just had lunch with was nice. But you’ve come home tired, irritable, and cranky. Clearly there is something going on with them that your eyes and ears might not have heard. But the deeper part of your brain heard it!’”
I sighed. “So honey, hear me when I tell you, in the past I’ve been guilty of not following my own advice. I’ve learned a powerful lesson in the process.”
]]>