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Protecting Marriage During Emotional Challenges!

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Protecting a marriage and a family goes beyond the concerns of the physical needs for:

                                    Food
                                   Shelter
                                  Clothing

In a marital relationship, we also need to protect one another from the emotional challenges of life.

Gail and I sometimes feel sad, angry, frustrated, and stressed from events beyond our control. We know that those are human feelings and that they ebb and flow in our lives. Of course, this means these stressful events and emotions will ebb and flow within our marital relationship.

It’s impossible to protect one another from the stressful events and the emotions thereby created. Gail and I are grown folks—we know and accept that we must step up and recognize the importance of striving to deal with our emotions in a healthy manner. If we don’t step up, if we don’t create emotional safety for each other…what’s the point of even being together?

That’s a huge part of providing for a family.

Sometimes, we get so caught up in our stress; it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. That’s OK…it happens.

Sometimes, all we need is a little “nudge” from the other spouse to help bring the marital sailboat around to an even keel.

My Manhood Moment video, Emotional Protection Matters In Marriage, says it all!

http://youtu.be/5kL5XSClLuI

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To Everything There is a Season – In Marriage Too!

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July 3, 2012

Infestation. At first, I felt sad. But by the time I returned with my shovel, I felt resigned. And determined to simply go on and start anew.

I’m talking about the 3 iris beds I’ve lovingly tended in my front yard for many years.

This weekend, I dug up all the bulbs, (at least 100) and inspected them for the fat, pink grubs that feed on iris bulbs. Yes, my bulbs were infested. Eaten alive. It’s happened before and, as every gardener knows, it eventually will happen again.

We experienced a short, extraordinarily mild winter here in Minneapolis. Accordingly, Mother Nature granted the worms a lovely, abundant life experience.

Ah, the cycle of life. It’s out of my hands to determine.

Marriage is a lot like gardening. I thought about that as I was digging.

If you go into marriage expecting everything you “plant” early on will be fruitful forever…well you don’t know much about life. Nothing planted will be fruitful forever—at least not in its exact, current form.

There will be many a fallow season in marriage. What you do or don’t do during that fallow season is probably more important than the planting and the harvest.

There is a time to plant, a time to reap

A time to rend, a time to sew

A time to weep, a time to laugh

A time to live, a time to die***

And, in my experience, even with the worst “infestation” there remain some hearty marriage “bulbs.” These bulbs are hearty due to longevity and, I think, sheer will power:

Commitment

Forgiveness

Compassion

Integrity

Laughter

Love

If you plant these between you, if they are buried deep within the soil of your hearts, you can renew the flowerbed of your marriage. With these bulbs, it’s never over. Not for Mother Nature. Never.

Twelve years ago I generated those iris beds with ten bulbs from my mother’s garden. Over the years they have propagated into many hundreds of bulbs that I’ve gifted to friends and neighbors.

I will probably let the beds go fallow next year, allow the worms the opportunity to live, die; move on to wherever they go when their food source ceases.

Accept and embrace the fallow seasons in marriage. It is a rest and renewal…not a failure to grow.

I have hearty bulbs to restore those iris beds in another season.

Because life always brings forth a new season. In our gardens and…

                            In marriage, too.

 

***A poignant and popular excerpt from Ecclesiastes 3:1

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The #1 Intimacy Skill Couples Need For A Harmonious Relationship (part 3 of 3)

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This picture was taken around the time the incident I describe in this 3-part series occurred. We were married less than 2 years and were trying to navigate and trust our commitment to one another.

I’ve never forgotten what this incident taught me. In my experience:

 

Anger Management

                               #1 Intimacy Skill Couples Need for A Harmonious Relationship!

1. When I sat in that bathtub and felt the rage well within me, I realized:

“Anger is a signal and one worth listening to.”  ~  Harriet Lerner

2. Instead of leaping out of the tub to “avenge” myself for Bill’s negative words, I listened to the anger signal and remained in the tub for twenty minutes:

“After ten or twenty minutes your anger will have to open herself to you, and suddenly, you will see the true nature of your anger. It may have arisen just because of a wrong perception or the lack of skillfulness.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

3. I was calm after those twenty minutes had passed I was able to get clear about the situation. Bill was the one in true distress, not me:

“We are meant to use anger as a fuel to take the actions we need to move where our anger points us. With a little thought, we can usually translate the message that our anger is sending us.”  ~  Julia Cameron

4. Remaining in the tub, feeling my own anger until it had spent itself, gave Bill time alone in another part of the house to feel his anger without added fuel from mine:

“If you vent anger with the object of spreading your toxic feelings, the result will have nothing to do with healing. Anger is anger. But if you have a healing intention, two things will happen; you will feel more peaceful after your anger has been released, and you will feel like an old, fixed belief in enemies and injustice has started to move.”  ~  Deepak Chopra

5. I learned that Bill’s anger that night was the result of compassion. I learned how deeply my husband cares about others. How much he hurts when he is a witness to someone’s violation and pain.

“Anger is not the opposite of love, for the opposite of love is indifference. To be angry is to care tremendously. It is a signal that our caring extends beyond polite conversation, and that you are willing to risk a confrontation to share how you feel.  ~  Doris Moreland Jones

It was early in our marriage. If I didn’t learn this valuable tool that particular evening, no doubt there would have been other instances. But I’m forever grateful that it was that night.The most valuable benefit for our relationship? We learned to trust our anger. We learned to trust each other to be a good steward of our collective anger.

A priceless tool in the health and longevity of our marriage!

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The #1 Intimacy Skill Couples Need For A Harmonious Relationship (part 2 of 3)

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“It takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.”  ~  Unknown

Continuing last week’s (May 25) story about the night early in our marriage when I learned the importance of the wise, old phrase:

“Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.”

That wise phrase is especially relevant in marital relationships. The phrase is a simple warning. Dire things can happen—especially in human interactions—when we immediately act in anger upon the belief that the first impression of what we hear or see is real or true. 

I learned that night to trust myself and my inner voice and STOP…before I let my justifiable anger blind and overwhelm me.

As I sat at the table making my sandwich, Bill’s anguish poured out of him.

“Men disgust me. Tonight I’m ashamed to be a member of the human male species.”

Whoa… I hoped I sounded calm but I was alarmed at how sad and distressed he looked. “What happened, honey?”

“I’m cancelling that weekly Friday night mixed doubles tennis party. I created that event thinking it would be fun for couples to bond with one another and other couples, as well as get some tennis drills from me. How naïve I was, Gail!” Bill shook his head and put his hand on his forehead.

“So I take it the husbands behaved badly?”

“Badly? That’s an understatement. At first I was shocked. Right there on the tennis court, many of the men screamed and berated their wife whenever she missed a shot. Over and over I had to listen to this abuse. I’m telling you, I couldn’t believe it.

‘Then I started feeling like lashing out myself. I nearly lost it. Once, I was about 5 seconds away from punching one of those men. His wife was actually crying as he berated her.

“I think I felt even angrier at the women. Why does she tolerate him yelling at her like that? Why doesn’t she tell him to go…” Why doesn’t she slam her tennis racquet up against the back of his ignorant head?”

I sat silently watching, listening, and nodding as my husband’s pain poured out.

He seemed to be reliving it. “Can you imagine, baby? If they act like that in public, what in the world is going on behind their closed doors?”


IF YOU heard your spouse express such anguish, how would you feel? What would you say to him/her?

Come back next Tuesday for the conclusion of:

The #1 Intimacy Skill Couples Need for a Harmonious Relationship
 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hurtful Words, Healing Choices (part 2 of 2)

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“Always walk through life as if you have something new to learn and you will.”  ~  Vernon Howard

 

“What do you think, Auntie G? Do you think Bill’s marital advice to me will be very different from yours?”

I was on the phone with my cousin’s 31-year-old daughter, “Paige.” She had called and asked my advice about a common marital dilemma–your partner unwittingly hurt your feelings. What do you do?

Knowing that I’ve been married for 22 years, and she for 4 years, Paige wanted to hear my perspective as she’s deciding how best to deal with the situation. I’d just finished giving her several things I thought she might use to help resolve this particular issue.

(Read our conversation in the previous blog post, Hurtful Words, Healing Choices (part 1 of 2)

I called Bill into the room so he could give Paige a husband’s perspective.

“Here’s Bill, Paige honey.” I handed Bill the phone.  “I’ll let you two talk.”

“Hi there, Paige! Why don’t you tell me what advice my loving wife gave you?” Bill laughed. “Now give me the brief version. I’m sure I’ve heard it before!”

Paige filled him in; Bill listened, nodding his head.

“Interesting advice, Paige. I agree with Gail. Coming from a male perspective and a long-term husband perspective, I guess I do have something to add:

“Paige, as men, we can sometimes say some really bone-head things to our spouses.  I can volunteer myself as an example. When Gail and I were in the first few years of marriage, I remember some of the bone-headed things I said to her.  I had no intention of deliberately trying to hurt her.  I was in my early 30s, had never been married.  Looking back, I realize I had spent my 20s in a state of selfishness.  Life had been all about me, my, mine. While that’s normal for a single person; for a single man, it has poor consequences. We don’t shift to sharing quite as easily as women. I think it’s biology. Still, men can and need to learn to share. It’s healthier for us.

Sometimes as men we don’t understand the powerful effect our words can have on loved ones. I don’t believe men will ever stop saying these things. Even those of us who have nothing but the best intentions. I have no problem admitting that we need help from others to increase our awareness of this tendency we have.

These three things work with me in raising my awareness when:

  • Gail brings something to my attention in a loving manner
  • She tells me while she’s holding my hand or some other small, simple, loving physical gesture
  • She doesn’t compare me to any other man, whether it’s her father, brother, past boyfriend. Nothing will make me shut down quicker.

When a man, who is deeply in love with his spouse, is made aware of a tendency that causes her pain, he should automatically want to start working on it.  But he needs to know that you will have patience and forgiveness. That doesn’t mean you let him slide. On the contrary, you do need to let us know that there are boundaries. A true, adult man, will have no problem with that.

I have learned to become self-aware of the words that I use everyday with Gail.  Paige, please be patient with Art and yourself. As Gail said, you have your whole marriage to practice and learn “getting it right.” Gail and I will always be available to help in anyway we can.

Love always and take care.

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Hurtful Words, Healing Choices (part 1 of 2)

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Manhood Matters in Marriage

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“If a man does not have an ideal and try to live up to it, then he becomes a mean, base and sordid creature, no matter how ‘successful.’”  ~  Teddy Roosevelt

 

On Friday, I blogged my thoughts on what I’ve learned through my 22-year journey in striving to create and maintain a lasting, healthy marital bond.

Saturday night, over dinner, champagne, and soft music I asked Bill the following. I specifically asked him in first person tense. I was NOT trying to trap him; I sincerely wondered if he ever thought of himself striving in any life endeavor separate from “us.” And if he had such thoughts, it would be OK with me:

“Honey, where do you see yourself—what do you see yourself doing 5 years from today?”

Well…Bill didn’t skip a meter. Didn’t stop for a moment to ponder and process the question. He spoke of lofty plans, unfolding dreams, expectations of success, prosperity…all prefixed with:

  • We
  • Us
  • Our

Bill Roddy is serious about Manhood. He truly believes a man MUST take care of the family he creates. He doesn’t just consider this a necessity; he considers this a privilege. Why a privilege? This is what he told me:

“Manhood needs a positive reason to go out into the world. Yes, we men have a propensity to want to slay dragons all day long. It’s how our brains are hard-wired. But we have to slay dragons for a higher purpose. Slaying dragons just because we can and because dragons exist, can move manhood into selfishness and callousness.  Even I feel uncomfortable in the company of such men—men who live for self. I can only imagine how a woman feels around them.

“There is no higher purpose for a man than the safety and well being of women and children. Of course I know that you are fully capable of taking care of yourself. That’s comforting to know that if something happens to me, you are able to support and maintain our standard of living.

“Still, I get up each morning wondering:

  • How can I be a better man for her?
  • How can I go out and do things that make her look upon me with pride when I come home to her?
  • How can I maintain the where-with-all to secure those material goods that keep her protected?
  • I can certainly indulge myself in a lot of ego driven, ego-serving, selfish things. They might even be loads of fun! But would any of those indulgences be worth the pain of seeing her tears?

“Man-hood with a purpose greater than itself is the key to a man-life of health and peace. And health and peace make for privilege—the privilege of a satisfied, empowered life.”

Well said, my love. Well said. Thank you.

 

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Marriage Promise Commitment

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“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”  ~  Lao Tzu

 

Bill Roddy and I married 22 years ago today. Amazing. I can hardly believe it has been that long. I vividly remember looking up into his terrified face and reciting my vows. Yesterday. Seems like yesterday.

So what have I learned through this 22-year commitment? I’ve learned that:

  • I like marriage
  • I really like Bill Roddy
  • It gets easier as the years roll along
  • It gets more humorous as the years roll along
  • It DOES NOT take a lot of work. It DOES take constant vigilance and discernment
  • Men are weird creatures to live with under the same roof

What have I learned about what qualities it takes to create a healthy marriage?

  • Courage

I know many people—male and female—who have been “burned” in relationships. I know it does take great courage to move out again onto that fragile limb and take the risk that the limb won’t break beneath you.  I also know many people who tried once or twice and never tried again. It’s been years—decades even—since they’ve felt true human-to-human bonding. They are difficult people to be around. Hearts become hard without the softening power of connection. And a hardened heart quickly withers and succumbs. I’ve found that Courage leads to:

  • Commitment

Commitment is courage, too. It takes courage to say, “I’m gonna use all constructive resources to keep us on track. I’ll never cease learning new resources to aid in our communal development. I’m gonna exhaust all my resources before I give up on this marriage commitment.” I’ve found that Commitment leads to:

  • Gratitude

Most aspects of our culture have slipped away from Gratitude. We all want more and more and more. It frightens me when look around and realize how many folks I know have money—and literally nothing else. It frightens me when I observe them striving to get more money, more things, as though that’s the key. And the most frightening of all? They are so long removed from sustenance that they don’t even know how anymore to secure those aspects of life that truly nourish us.

I find that the quality of relationship with Bill fills me with Gratitude. It’s not that Bill fills me or sustains me—the peace and connection we have decided to create together allows me to fill and sustain myself. I will never take that peace for granted.

It’s kind of like when a child feels safe, protected, he won’t feel a desire to harm self or others. He can go about the business of growing/living for he has known peace and safety in his inner circle. Then he will go out into the world confident that there must be other places and people of peace and safety. He will gravitate toward those places and people.

Provide peace for one another. Be grateful for this peace. Teach your children by example that life thrives when peace reigns.

That’s what I know to be true about creating a healthy marriage. And I know that these same qualities will create a healthy life for you—married or single.

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Hello from Bill Roddy!

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People have repeatedly asked me: “Bill, what does Manhood From the Hood stand for?”

If Manhood From the Hood were my business, most likely a community service business, our mission statement would be:

“Manhood From the Hood is committed to reclaiming and rebuilding the positive masculine ideals of integrity with commitment, strength with humility, intensity with compassion, throughout our culture.”

But Manhood From the Hood is not a business–it’s life. As mature men, we’ve gained so much experience/knowledge–experience/knowledge that we wish we’d had when we were 21. Crucial experience/knowledge that we must pass on to the next generation.

So imagine sitting down to have a conversation with your 21-year-old self. What would you say to him?

I’d like to invite you to join me in participating in a series of articles entitled, “Advice to my 21-year-old Self.” Contact me if you’d like to participate. I will interview you in a short series of questions. I will post a new interview on this blog each Friday, beginning New Year’s Eve.

A free copy of Manhood from the Hood goes to the first 10 interviewees!

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