love | The Roddys Online

Tag Archives: love

Unrequited Marriage

“Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” ~ Alan Watts

Once upon a time, Gail, a 21-year-old woman, found herself romantically pursued by “Marcus,” a 23-year-old man.

Now Gail did not date much. She focused on her senior year of college. Dating/relationships were low on her list of things to accomplish.

Gail and Marcus knew one another through mutual friends. Marcus seemed a decent guy. He was handsome. He was a smooth talker and a classy dresser.

But Marcus had one life habit that completely turned Gail off. Marcus was, as they say in the vernacular, a “playa.” Big time. Huge. He had lots of young woman lining up to “socialize” with him. Now Gail was no prude, and this was before AIDS and other STDs became today’s nightmares. Still, a wantonly promiscuous man was unattractive to her.

So when Marcus set his sights on dating Gail, she said to herself, “Yuck. No way. He’s asking for a casual date but all he wants is casual sex. He’s only interested in carving another ‘notch on his headboard.’ Nope. Not with this girl. Ain’t happening. No sense dating and wasting his time…or mine.”

Marcus kept pursuing…not offensively so…just persistently. Finally, Gail decided to give him a chance. He asked for a date—she would go out with him. She realized she was only responsible for the choice to respond yes or no to his request for a date. Whatever further expectations he had, well, that was on him.

Wouldn’t ya know it? This guy was loads of fun! He was a gentleman, witty, knew and loved Shakespeare’s plays. (You’re kidding me, right?) Gail had the best time with him and agreed to see him again.

They dated off and on for several months. It’s funny, but any potential sexual stuff was never even discussed. Marcus seemed to know that it wasn’t going to happen. Even so, he kept calling and they kept going out and having a wonderful time together.

After about three months, Marcus’s calls stopped. Gail went about her life; she assumed Marcus did the same. Four months later, Marcus called and their dating resumed. Gail never asked him about the four-month hiatus. Why would she? He owed her no explanation. He was not her boyfriend; they were free agents.

This pattern—approximately three months on/four months off—continued over the next year and a half. Not a single sexual encounter passed between Gail and Marcus. None.

One day, Marcus called. “I have a wonderful opportunity. My uncle has several successful businesses in Atlanta. He has no children and he wants an heir-apparent. He’s asked me to join him, help him run the businesses, and eventually inherit them.”

“That’s wonderful news, Marcus. I’m happy for you!” And Gail truly meant those words. “When do you leave?”

“My family is throwing me a party this Saturday night. I leave for Atlanta on Tuesday. Would you attend the going away party with me?”

“Certainly, I will.”

The party was extravagant, lovely, loving. Afterward, Marcus and Gail sat in his car in the parking lot. He was quiet. She assumed he was sad about leaving home and family. He turned and took her hand in his.

“I’d love it if you would move to Atlanta with me.”

HUH? Gail stared at him. “You mean move to Atlanta permanently, as in—live together, you have a job so I get a job, we get an apartment, we are boyfriend and girlfriend or even husband and wife? Like THAT?

“Yes. Whichever one suits you. If you say you will only go if you have an engagement ring on your finger, I will have you a diamond ring by close of business tomorrow.”

Gail got ready to throw back her head and laugh. That’s a very silly joke, Marcus. But she didn’t laugh–she didn’t speak. She looked into his face. He was serious as a heart attack.

From that night in Marcus’s car, to this very day, Gail has never again spoken to nor laid eyes on Marcus. He did join his uncle in Atlanta. Whatever further path his life has taken, Gail knows nothing about it.

Of course she did not accept his proposal. She believes she spoke thoughtfully and sensitively as she let him down. That is her recollection, at least.

Yes, the Gail in the story is Gail Roddy. Over the years, while I’ve thought of this experience from time to time, the recent release of the movie, Act like a lady, think like a man and Steve Harvey’s 90 day rule, brought it to the forefront of my mind again and made me ask the following questions:

Why did Marcus continue to date me, months at a time, even with no sexual contact between us?
Did he keep coming back because he thought I was the ultimate challenge?
Did he think he would eventually “break me down?”
Why did Marcus want to marry me? It was no secret that I was a very young woman just having fun. I wasn’t in love…with him or anyone else.
He was young too. He clearly liked women and loved having sex with them. He didn’t need to marry. He could go to Atlanta and have an entire new cadre of beautiful, willing young women to woo. Why marry?
Did he have negative intentions? Get me to Atlanta away from my support system, marry me, then continue his ‘playa’ life style?

If you say, “Gail, perhaps he was just in love with you.” Then that brings up my biggest questions:

How could he be in love with me, want to marry me, when we never had sex?
I thought a man couldn’t be in love with a woman if there’s no sexual contact?
Isn’t it true that for men, expressing romantic love is impossible without having sex?

I know you men reading this can’t possibly know exactly what Marcus was thinking. But since you are men, do you have an educated guess? Please comment and help me lay this puzzle to rest.

Thanks. I appreciate it!

Comments { 0 }

Hurtful Words, Healing Choices (part 1 of 2)

by @Gail Roddy

Continue Reading →

Comments { 3 }

Manhood Matters in Marriage

by @Gail Roddy

“If a man does not have an ideal and try to live up to it, then he becomes a mean, base and sordid creature, no matter how ‘successful.’” ~ Teddy Roosevelt

On Friday, I blogged my thoughts on what I’ve learned through my 22-year journey in striving to create and maintain a lasting, healthy marital bond.

Saturday night, over dinner, champagne, and soft music I asked Bill the following. I specifically asked him in first person tense. I was NOT trying to trap him; I sincerely wondered if he ever thought of himself striving in any life endeavor separate from “us.” And if he had such thoughts, it would be OK with me:

“Honey, where do you see yourself—what do you see yourself doing 5 years from today?”

Well…Bill didn’t skip a meter. Didn’t stop for a moment to ponder and process the question. He spoke of lofty plans, unfolding dreams, expectations of success, prosperity…all prefixed with:

Bill Roddy is serious about Manhood. He truly believes a man MUST take care of the family he creates. He doesn’t just consider this a necessity; he considers this a privilege. Why a privilege? This is what he told me:

“Manhood needs a positive reason to go out into the world. Yes, we men have a propensity to want to slay dragons all day long. It’s how our brains are hard-wired. But we have to slay dragons for a higher purpose. Slaying dragons just because we can and because dragons exist, can move manhood into selfishness and callousness. Even I feel uncomfortable in the company of such men—men who live for self. I can only imagine how a woman feels around them.

“There is no higher purpose for a man than the safety and well being of women and children. Of course I know that you are fully capable of taking care of yourself. That’s comforting to know that if something happens to me, you are able to support and maintain our standard of living.

“Still, I get up each morning wondering:

How can I be a better man for her?
How can I go out and do things that make her look upon me with pride when I come home to her?
How can I maintain the where-with-all to secure those material goods that keep her protected?
I can certainly indulge myself in a lot of ego driven, ego-serving, selfish things. They might even be loads of fun! But would any of those indulgences be worth the pain of seeing her tears?

“Man-hood with a purpose greater than itself is the key to a man-life of health and peace. And health and peace make for privilege—the privilege of a satisfied, empowered life.”

Well said, my love. Well said. Thank you.

Comments { 2 }

Friendship Asks For Love

by @Gail Roddy

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” – Dr. Seuss

“Mrs. Roddy? You know there is something of a personal nature that I wanted to run by you and see what you think…”

Oh how this young woman has evolved! I mentored her in 1998 when she was 15 years old. At that time, she had struggles with her family—her mom in particular. “Dianna” (she asked that I not reveal her real name), was steeped in anger and confusion.

Now she’s a mature young woman. She’s a college graduate and works in the health care industry. Around Halloween 2011, she called my mobile, surprised that I still had the same number. We’ve had lunch several times since then. It’s been a joy to reconnect with her; so wonderful to see her smile. We’d just finished talking up the pleasantries—her career, her recent Florida vacation, and my new projects. Now she needed my advice.

“Go right ahead, honey—ask away.”

“I have two good friends, ‘Charles’ and ‘Sandra.’ They’ve dated for a few months now. Things seem to be going OK, but….

She shrugged and shook her head. “When they have a squabble, each calls and asks if I’ve spoken to the other. Then, they each tell me the TRUE version of what went down. Each asks my opinion on what they should do about the ‘situation’ since, ‘Dianna, I know you’ll tell me the straight up deal.’

“I gotta tell ya Mrs. Roddy, I’m feeling uncomfortable being in the middle of this. Something about it doesn’t feel right! I appreciate that both like and respect me enough to think I could be a mediator. But lately, my stomach kind of turns over whenever the caller ID says it’s one of them. What do you think I should do?”

I didn’t mean to laugh. I quickly composed myself and explained my grin. “Honey, you don’t need my advice. Your body is your best counsel. What is it saying?”

She looked out across the restaurant for a moment. “Being stuck in the middle is literally sickening. I remember you telling me years ago, ‘trust your gut, your body doesn’t lie.’ I thought I knew what that meant…”

“And now?”

She took a big breath, exhaled, and sighed.

Comments { 0 }

Love Under Construction – The Bedroom

by @Gail Roddy

February 14, 2012 Valentine’s Day

“When a marriage works, nothing on earth can take its place.” Helen Gahagan

I watch him from the other side of the room. This wasn’t the first social event that Bill and I had attended with our young “mystery” man. Usually though, I was the hostess so I had to interact with all the guests. Now, it was another couple’s event. I was simply another guest and could sit and watch our young friend interact and showcase his social skills.

I can hardly wait to meet with him this week and speak to him of the pride I feel. I want to tell him:

“You’ve matured into such a fine man. I remember that shy 15 year old of so many years ago. That kid had something though – something that shone through the anger and frustration he experienced at that time. I could hear that “something” in his voice each time he’d ask me a question in class.”

It feels fulfilling to watch someone, anyone you care about, grow into themselves – their true selves. Is this what it feels to be a parent?

“I’m certain that you will find the mate that you desire. These 4 Action Assets, these 4 rooms in your Love Under Construction home?”

#1 Action Asset – The Foundation

#2 Action Asset – Home Office

#3 Action Asset – Family Room

#4 Action Asset –The Kitchen

“I think they truly are the keys, the preparation to building Action Asset #5 – Intimacy and Connection. Never stop searching. I promise – she is building her foundation. She is looking for you, too. “

In my mind’s eye, I can see him look at me and smile. That smile he’s given me countless times over many years.

“And most important, know this. You are constructing a fine, sturdy dwelling. And if it comes to pass that it is your journey to live in this house alone for the rest of your life, you still will have achieved what most of us long for – and few of us achieve. A life built from self-love.”

“Congratulations, my dear, sweet, young friend!”

Comments { 0 }