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Money in Marriage: Mindful and Misunderstood

July 24, 2012

“Mrs. Roddy, I’m so frustrated with my husband, “John.”

“You know we’ve only been married for 3 years. If I’d known how he managed money…”

A young woman I mentor invited me for coffee. She said she wanted to get together and talk out her frustrations with someone experienced in “dealing with a husband.”

OK. I guess that’s me.

“We had another huge fight yesterday about money, Mrs. Roddy. John calls me a tightwad. He says I’m cheap. I say he blows through money like crazy and never thinks about the repercussions.”

“I feel for you, honey. I don’t know a married couple that is exactly on the same page when it comes to managing their money. That goes for Bill and Gail Roddy, too. I can’t say we’re worlds apart, but I’m a better money manager, more frugal than Bill, and he’d be the first to concur.”

“You need to make every effort to work it out though. That very well may include professional help. I don’t mean just a financial planner. I mean a therapist—a professional that can walk with you through your issues with money. We all have those issues and they usually go back to our family of origin and how we learned the meaning and importance of money.

“Here are a couple of resources I invite you to check out to help you get the dialogue with John started.

“The Hard Questions, 100 Essential Questions To Ask Before You Say ‘I Do’ is a book I have gifted to about 6 young women over the last few years. They were either engaged or in a committed relationship.

“It’s a small (less than 100 pages) and easy to read book. It is valuable even for couples already married.

“I think it’s interesting that Chapter 2 discusses Money perceptions. That discussion is second after Chapter 1 on Home. That means Money precedes chapters on Sex, Work, Family, Children, Community and Friends, and Spiritual Life.

Based on my many years of marital experience, I’d have put Money as Chapter 1.

“Check out this powerful little book. I like that it’s written in a non-judging manner. Young women give me feedback that their mates actually enjoyed reading it together as a couple.

http://www.amazon.com/Hard-Questions-100-Ask-Before/dp/1585426210/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1265752222&sr=1-2

This link to the Smart Money article gives tips you can share as well with John.

Please be sensitive to John’s perception. I find that in dealing with Bill, (male ego); I need to keep the information sharing light-hearted. No hard sell—no pressure. You know your mate and how he processes new information. Keep that in mind!

http://www.smartmoney.com/spend/family-money/the-six-financial-mistakes-couples-make-15414/

Take care, honey. Work on this with John. I’m certainly open if you’d like to get together in a few months!

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To Everything There Is A Season – In Friendship Too! (part 2 of 2)

by @Gail Roddy

July 17, 2012

My childhood and adolescence. As mature as I am, it’s clear now that I’m still a bit haunted by old taunts to my face and ancient whispers behind my back:

Miss Smarty-Pants

Teacher’s Pet

Cool, Calm, and Collected (I know she’s really just faking it)

Gail uses big words. She must think she’s a white girl

Who does Gail think she IS

Then, in adulthood:

“You’ve never bounced a personal check or overdrafted the business account, Gail? How can you be so on top of managing your money? What’s wrong with you?”

“At our age Gail, how is it you remember people’s birthdays, anniversaries, special remembrances, and usually call or send out a lovely card? What’s wrong with you? I struggle to remember what I ate for breakfast.”

“Oh, I don’t know why I’m telling you MY woes, Gail. You could never relate—you’re perfect.” (Someone recently said that.)

Ouch.

As I wrote in last week’s blog post, I took a three-year hiatus from contacting my best buddy, Fran. I was usually the initiator for “play dates” in our decades-long friendship.

I figured the reason I felt angry, betrayed, bewildered, resentful toward her was because she rarely reciprocated.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

What did I discover was the REAL reason I stopped calling her and sending her birthday cards? My vivid imagination.

I imagined Fran thought:

There Gail goes again, Miss Always On Top Of Things
Why does Gail always have to be so doggone efficient?
Why does she always have to show me up?
Why does Gail take so much pleasure in making me look bad?
What a creep! I wish she’d just BACK OFF and give a sister some space
That’s why I never call Gail first…she doesn’t give me a chance
What in the world is wrong with her…sheesh!

Know what Fran was really thinking? Know what she told me when I took the initiative last week to call her after three years?

“Glamorous Gail, so GLAD you called!”

“How’s your mom, your brothers, Bill, your business, YOU?”

“How soon can we get together? I’m free in August, name the date”

“Can’t WAIT to see you and catch up.”

“I miss you, I love you”

Previously, I felt something wasn’t quite right about my interpretation of my anger, resentment, and bewilderment. Neither the feelings nor the interpretation made any sense.

I LOVE calling dear friends and inviting them to “Let’s spend time together.” I couldn’t care LESS that they don’t call me. I want to see them so I call them. Easy. Effortless.

I now know that it was my Essence that felt angry, betrayed, bewildered, and resentful. Because for three years I refused to act like me—was embarrassed to act like me—believed that even those who truly loved me resented ME acting like ME…

Whew!

One thing about life never ceases to amaze…

Whenever I think I know all about a situation, that I’ve got it figured out, I know I’m wrong when my “gut” screams, “Take another look, please.”

Thanks, Franny Fox. Our friendship’s fallow season created a valuable resting/renewal time for your old buddy, Glamorous Gail.

My dear friend, you and my Essence not only gave me permission to return to me acting like me, you both showed me you LOVE me acting like me. Fancy that!

What a Very. Good. Thing.

Can you relate? Do you struggle to move through life as your true self? Let’s discuss.

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To Everything There is a Season – In Friendship Too! (part 1 of 2)

by @Gail Roddy

July 10, 2012

Who knew that last week’s blog post about the seasons of marriage would extend to writing about the seasons of friendship?

Frances and I entered third grade together. We quickly became inseparable.

Adolescence was filled with normal teen angst. But I always had Fran to laugh with, cry with, sneak cigarettes and wine from her parent’s large stash.

I was her maid of honor—two years later she stood behind me as I whispered my vows at the altar. While those marriages soon collapsed, Fran and I now have healthy unions that span nearly 50 years between us.

As I blogged here last week about the seasons of marriage, my friendship with Fran has had many a season, too.

During the late 1980s and early 1990s, Fran was a dedicated step-mom and schoolteacher. Bill and I married. I entered the entrepreneurial world, he and I volunteered at an adolescent treatment center setting the foundation for Osiris Organization in the mid-90s.

Little more than an occasional birthday card and a hug as we attended someone’s relative’s wake or funeral, passed between the best friends.

And it was okay.

Then, in 1997, I needed to connect with Fran. I found her phone number, I called her and greeted her with:

“Franny Fox—girrrrl, how in the world are ya?”

She squealed with delight. When we were college freshman, a young brother had a crush on both of us. He dubbed us “Franny Fox and Glamorous Gail.” The monikers stuck. We use them to this very day.

For the next twelve years, my best buddy and I connected each season. What a glorious reunion.

Then, everything changed. About three years ago I stopped calling Fran.

Why?

Because I felt angry, betrayed, bewildered, and resentful toward her. But that didn’t make any sense! Fran didn’t DO anything to me!

Everything came crashing in on me this weekend. I just had to call Fran and find out the truth about my feelings.

In doing so I learned something astounding about myself…

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To Everything There is a Season – In Marriage Too!

by @Gail Roddy

July 3, 2012

Infestation. At first, I felt sad. But by the time I returned with my shovel, I felt resigned. And determined to simply go on and start anew.

I’m talking about the 3 iris beds I’ve lovingly tended in my front yard for many years.

This weekend, I dug up all the bulbs, (at least 100) and inspected them for the fat, pink grubs that feed on iris bulbs. Yes, my bulbs were infested. Eaten alive. It’s happened before and, as every gardener knows, it eventually will happen again.

We experienced a short, extraordinarily mild winter here in Minneapolis. Accordingly, Mother Nature granted the worms a lovely, abundant life experience.

Ah, the cycle of life. It’s out of my hands to determine.

Marriage is a lot like gardening. I thought about that as I was digging.

If you go into marriage expecting everything you “plant” early on will be fruitful forever…well you don’t know much about life. Nothing planted will be fruitful forever—at least not in its exact, current form.

There will be many a fallow season in marriage. What you do or don’t do during that fallow season is probably more important than the planting and the harvest.

There is a time to plant, a time to reap

A time to rend, a time to sew

A time to weep, a time to laugh

A time to live, a time to die***

And, in my experience, even with the worst “infestation” there remain some hearty marriage “bulbs.” These bulbs are hearty due to longevity and, I think, sheer will power:

Commitment

Forgiveness

Compassion

Integrity

Laughter

Love

If you plant these between you, if they are buried deep within the soil of your hearts, you can renew the flowerbed of your marriage. With these bulbs, it’s never over. Not for Mother Nature. Never.

Twelve years ago I generated those iris beds with ten bulbs from my mother’s garden. Over the years they have propagated into many hundreds of bulbs that I’ve gifted to friends and neighbors.

I will probably let the beds go fallow next year, allow the worms the opportunity to live, die; move on to wherever they go when their food source ceases.

Accept and embrace the fallow seasons in marriage. It is a rest and renewal…not a failure to grow.

I have hearty bulbs to restore those iris beds in another season.

Because life always brings forth a new season. In our gardens and…

In marriage, too.

***A poignant and popular excerpt from Ecclesiastes 3:1

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Why keeping secrets from your MATE might be harmful to YOU! (part 2 of 2)

by @Gail Roddy

I do believe there are things from our past that we simply don’t need to share with our mates. Many events in our history have no impact on our current personal lives, much less on the life of our mate.

But what about the events from our past that—for what ever reason—still grieve us? And because of this grief, we are even more adamant about secrecy?

You think that grieving a secret has no impact on a relationship? I beg to differ.

As recently as a few years ago I still felt shame about something I’d done when I was 18. Yes, it involved a male stranger, alcohol, and (gulp!), sexual contact. I would literally cringe whenever the event crossed my mind.

Now, I was 18 a lifetime ago. I bet my best girlfriends at the time don’t even remember the incident. (And they were there!) So how could I still feel ashamed? Why would I still fear telling anyone?

Finally, I told Bill the whole, sordid story. He smiled.

“Is that IT? I thought I’d be hearing something scandalous!”

I was emboldened. So I also shared “my shame” with a group of teen girls I mentor. They giggled.

“Is that IT? Wow, Mrs. Roddy. You’ve spent all these years feeling ashamed about THAT?

It wasn’t the secret’s content that had me all bogged down—it was my feelings about the secret. As a grown woman, intellectually I knew it was ridiculous to continue grieving a silly, youthful indiscretion.

But in that particular life event, I was trapped within my 18-year-old mind. As long as I kept it a secret, I remained trapped. Wow.

I learned that unresolved guilt and shame is poisonous—to my mind and body. Yes, that’s what I felt whenever I thought about it. Poisoned.

That’s not being a good steward of my relationship—allowing poison to ruminate within me. And that’s what I aspire—to do my part to be a good steward of my relationship with Bill.

If you are like I was; grieving a secret that’s way past it’s expiration date, you don’t necessarily need to tell your mate.

But from my experience, the grief means you need to tell someone–a trusted friend or a professional counselor.

Makes sense? Let me know if it does. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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Why keeping secrets from your MATE might be harmful to YOU (Part 1 of 2)

by @Gail Roddy

June 19, 2012

“With a secret like that, at some point the secret becomes irrelevant. The fact that you kept it does not. ~ Sara Gruen

“Let me give you some advice, young one.” Aunt Ruby admonished.

“When you get older and start dealing with men, never tell a man any details about your past—any sins, especially the sexual ones you’ve committed. Men can’t handle hearing that information. They will hold it against you forever!”

Wow. Nice, huh? That was Aunt Ruby. Shooting straight from the hip. I can still see her cigarette holding fingers waving in my face—the long, red, nails punctuating the air.

Over the years I’ve learned that Aunt Ruby’s advice to Gail The Teenager, while well meaning, might have been true for Aunt Ruby’s generation. It isn’t so true today.

Yes, the double standard is still alive and…well. It has existed for as long as women have been in relationships with men. It seems it will exist forever.

Double Standard – “An ethical or moral code that applies more strictly to one group than to another.” (TheFreeDictionary.com)

“A moral code that permits sexual freedom and promiscuity for men but not for women.” (Dictionary.com)

It’s true today that society “allows” women (especially younger women) so many more freedoms of life style choice than it did in the 1930s and ‘40s when Aunt Ruby was coming of age.

For better or for worse, we can compete with the boys in many arenas. We are free to “sow wild oats” with impunity. Or can we?

Now, I’m writing this blog to neither condemn nor condone sexual mores. I was simply thinking about that evening with Aunt Ruby. I was thinking about secrets.

I’m wondering if there are life events, behaviors, sexual or otherwise, that deserve TOP SECRET status in a committed relationship. Is there any fallout from such secrets?

I think I have some insight. It’s insight based on hiding—then eventually sharing—my own secrets with Bill. Oh, what I learned from that.

Aunt Ruby might be appalled at my candor.

Have you shared all your secrets with YOUR mate? Do you think you should or.…CAN?

Come back next Tuesday for the conclusion of:

Why keeping secrets from your MATE might be harmful to YOU!

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The #1 Intimacy Skill Couples Need For A Harmonious Relationship (part 3 of 3)

by @Gail Roddy

This picture was taken around the time the incident I describe in this 3-part series occurred. We were married less than 2 years and were trying to navigate and trust our commitment to one another.

I’ve never forgotten what this incident taught me. In my experience:

Anger Management

#1 Intimacy Skill Couples Need for A Harmonious Relationship!

1. When I sat in that bathtub and felt the rage well within me, I realized:

“Anger is a signal and one worth listening to.” ~ Harriet Lerner

2. Instead of leaping out of the tub to “avenge” myself for Bill’s negative words, I listened to the anger signal and remained in the tub for twenty minutes:

“After ten or twenty minutes your anger will have to open herself to you, and suddenly, you will see the true nature of your anger. It may have arisen just because of a wrong perception or the lack of skillfulness.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

3. I was calm after those twenty minutes had passed I was able to get clear about the situation. Bill was the one in true distress, not me:

“We are meant to use anger as a fuel to take the actions we need to move where our anger points us. With a little thought, we can usually translate the message that our anger is sending us.” ~ Julia Cameron

4. Remaining in the tub, feeling my own anger until it had spent itself, gave Bill time alone in another part of the house to feel his anger without added fuel from mine:

“If you vent anger with the object of spreading your toxic feelings, the result will have nothing to do with healing. Anger is anger. But if you have a healing intention, two things will happen; you will feel more peaceful after your anger has been released, and you will feel like an old, fixed belief in enemies and injustice has started to move.” ~ Deepak Chopra

5. I learned that Bill’s anger that night was the result of compassion. I learned how deeply my husband cares about others. How much he hurts when he is a witness to someone’s violation and pain.

“Anger is not the opposite of love, for the opposite of love is indifference. To be angry is to care tremendously. It is a signal that our caring extends beyond polite conversation, and that you are willing to risk a confrontation to share how you feel. ~ Doris Moreland Jones

It was early in our marriage. If I didn’t learn this valuable tool that particular evening, no doubt there would have been other instances. But I’m forever grateful that it was that night.The most valuable benefit for our relationship? We learned to trust our anger. We learned to trust each other to be a good steward of our collective anger.

A priceless tool in the health and longevity of our marriage!

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The #1 Intimacy Skill Couples Need For A Harmonious Relationship (part 2 of 3)

by @Gail Roddy

“It takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.” ~ Unknown

Continuing last week’s (May 25) story about the night early in our marriage when I learned the importance of the wise, old phrase:

“Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.”

That wise phrase is especially relevant in marital relationships. The phrase is a simple warning. Dire things can happen—especially in human interactions—when we immediately act in anger upon the belief that the first impression of what we hear or see is real or true.

I learned that night to trust myself and my inner voice and STOP…before I let my justifiable anger blind and overwhelm me.

As I sat at the table making my sandwich, Bill’s anguish poured out of him.

“Men disgust me. Tonight I’m ashamed to be a member of the human male species.”

Whoa… I hoped I sounded calm but I was alarmed at how sad and distressed he looked. “What happened, honey?”

“I’m cancelling that weekly Friday night mixed doubles tennis party. I created that event thinking it would be fun for couples to bond with one another and other couples, as well as get some tennis drills from me. How naïve I was, Gail!” Bill shook his head and put his hand on his forehead.

“So I take it the husbands behaved badly?”

“Badly? That’s an understatement. At first I was shocked. Right there on the tennis court, many of the men screamed and berated their wife whenever she missed a shot. Over and over I had to listen to this abuse. I’m telling you, I couldn’t believe it.

‘Then I started feeling like lashing out myself. I nearly lost it. Once, I was about 5 seconds away from punching one of those men. His wife was actually crying as he berated her.

“I think I felt even angrier at the women. Why does she tolerate him yelling at her like that? Why doesn’t she tell him to go…” Why doesn’t she slam her tennis racquet up against the back of his ignorant head?”

I sat silently watching, listening, and nodding as my husband’s pain poured out.

He seemed to be reliving it. “Can you imagine, baby? If they act like that in public, what in the world is going on behind their closed doors?”

IF YOU heard your spouse express such anguish, how would you feel? What would you say to him/her?

Come back next Tuesday for the conclusion of:

The #1 Intimacy Skill Couples Need for a Harmonious Relationship

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The #1 Intimacy Skill Couples Need For A Harmonious Relationship

by @Gail Roddy

“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” ~ Henry Winkler

Picture this. Your spouse returns home from work. They’re nearly tap dancing with glee.

What would you assume about their excitement? Would you assume it had something to do with YOU? Perhaps. Or would you assume something occurred in their daily dealings that had nothing to do with you? After all…you weren’t there.

I don’t know about you… but my first thought would be, “Hmm, I wonder what happened today at work that caused such excitement. I can’t wait to hear about it!”

How about the opposite? Your spouse returns home from work, you ask them a question and they yell at you? Would you assume it had something to do with YOU? Or would you assume something occurred in his daily dealings that had nothing to do with you?

I think many people would be hard pressed to NOT assume a yell was a personal affront. “Even if he/she is angry with me about something, how disrespectful to yell! And if he’s angry at someone/something else, that’s even more disrespectful to take it out on me! He has some explaining to do—right now—doggone it!”

Long ago, early in our marriage, a similar incident occurred. I’ve never forgotten it. It set the stage for me to create a personal template for this type of incident. This template has proven a wonderful building block of trust between The Roddys:

I was taking a bubble bath. Bill returned from teaching an evening tennis drill class.

“Hey, Billy! How’d it go? I bet your students liked your new drills!”

Wow. He lit into me like…I can’t even describe it. He didn’t yell, but his tone (and words) were unreasonable, insulting, critical,

Crazy

Then he turned on his heels and stalked out of the bathroom.

Shocking. In all the years I’d known him, I’d never witnessed Bill Roddy behave that way toward anyone, much less his wife—the love of his life.

How. DARE. You. Welllll…my first instinct was to leap up out of that tub, chase him down, and then dress him down. I didn’t. Because something within me whispered:

“Shut up, Gail. Just shut up and sit tight.”

So I remained in the tub… and waited.

Twenty minutes passed. I got out, got dressed, and walked into the kitchen. Bill was sitting at the table writing some notes. I had no clue if he’d calmed down yet but I was cool as a mango. Rummaging around in the fridge for stuff to make myself a sandwich, without looking at Bill, I spoke into the air:

“I bet this proved to be an interesting evening.”

I turned around and walked to the table. Bill looked up from his notes. I could see tears welling up in his eyes. I sat down in the chair next to my husband…

If YOU faced this scenario, what would have been YOUR first thought/reaction?

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My 87-year-old Mom’s Advice to Entrepreneurs

by @Gail Roddy

May 21, 2012

“As you grow older, you’ll find the only things you regret are the things you didn’t do.” ~ Zachary Scott

I love talking with entrepreneurs! Doesn’t matter—young folk or the more mature person leaping into, “I want to be my own boss!” I love immersion in the excitement mixed with the real fear of the unknown.

Yesterday, we had brunch with “Maya.” She’s trying to find the precise combo of timing and financial means to leave her corporate position and launch her part-time business into a full-time enterprise.

As she struggles to decide the precise time to fully launch her business, Maya looked to me (and Bill) for advice.

“How do I decide if and when this is the right thing to do?”

It’s impossible to tell her how. We can only tell her that 15 years ago, Bill and I simply decided to:

Dive in and start swimming toward the other shore

We knew there was a possibility of drowning before we reached the other side. So be it—standing safely on the shore ceased being an option in our life.

I shared an old story with Maya. When I was 21, I decided to travel around Europe for 3 weeks in July. None of my peers could accompany me.

“I wonder if Mom would like to go? Wow. Wouldn’t that be a blast?”

Mom was thrilled that as a 21-year-old I wanted to spend 3 weeks in Europe with my mother. We made plans to go. Then she changed her mind. She wouldn’t go.

I went on my European jaunt…alone.

Mom and I have spoken of that fateful trip (and her regret) numerous times over the years. I called Mom this afternoon and told her I’d shared the story and the regret with Maya.

“Mom, I know you’ve said that not going to Europe with me was one of the biggest regrets of your life. That if you could go back, if you knew then what you know now, you’d never pass up such an opportunity.

“Tell me what I can tell Maya. Give her some advice from your perspective.”

Silence on the phone line. Uh oh. Did I dredge a painful memory?

Mom chuckled. “I wish someone had given me this advice all those years ago. Tell Maya to get a blank sheet of paper. Write CON at the top of the page on the left side and PRO on the right side. Tell Maya that this would have been my list:”

CON

My husband doesn’t want me to go to Europe

He might fall asleep with a lit cigarette and burn down our house

He might fall asleep leaving food cooking on the stove and burn down our house

I might lose all the “stuff” I’ve worked so hard for

I alone am responsible to keep the peace in my marriage

I alone am responsible to insure my husband’s peace of mind

He might need me

He might get sick

He will pout for weeks when I return home

I’m worried there will be hell (and bills) to pay

Just thinking about what I might lose is so painful

PRO