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Physical, Emotional Sustenance (part 2 of 2)

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“A man too busy to take care of his health is like a mechanic too busy to take care of his tools.”  ~  Spanish Proverb

 

Last time I wrote about what the importance of emotional sustenance to our health and what I do to support myself with emotional sustenance.

I realized I needed to get busy again incorporating the emotional activities that give me peace and calm. So, I did exactly what I wrote I would do:

  • Pulled out my bag of knitting from the back of my closet and began to finish knitting a lovely, functional sweater.

I need to CREATE as I’m relaxing. This creative relaxation nourishes my mind and spirit. Others might:

  • dance
  • paint
  • swim
  • write music
  • write books
  • sing
  • fish

But to bring all this relaxation together? We need to regularly EXERCISE our physical body. Yes, I belong to a health club and I run the treadmill, lift weights, and stretch 4-5 times per week. When I can’t go, or just don’t FEEL LIKE going to the health club (hey, I’m human), I use this inexpensive, effective tool. 10-15 minutes seems to give ME almost as much cardio benefit as a 30 minute run:

http://www.rebounderreviews.com/

I can’t endorse rebounders and rebounding enough. Bill and I have had one for over 10 years. (See picture above. See how the cover has become frayed from regular use?)

You can use this light-weight trampoline in the privacy of your home. It is one of the few pieces of equipment that moves the lymph system. So important for health. Go to the link above and read about the many amazing  benefits.

Remember, health is wealth. Let’s protect our physical health…this most vital natural resource!

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Physical, Emotional Sustenance (part 1 of 2)

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“Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.”  ~ Ben Franklin

Are you taking good care of yourself? Or maybe you need to take a little time out and assess the general state of your physical and emotional health? Are you starving and need to eat…truly nourish yourself?

I invite you to stop, look, and listen…

To self…

I did.  I had to. Because the other night I received a vivid reminder that I need to breathe deeply, take a step back, drop some of this heavy baggage I’m carrying, and grab hold of one or two things that nourish me…

In a dream the other night, I felt compelled to get on a sewing machine and make myself a dress and a skirt. Yes, the dream was that specific—sew myself a dress and a skirt.

I understood the message. I used to make all my clothes. Used to knit sweaters for Bill and others too. It wasn’t just a fun hobby. Nor was it necessity. Sewing and knitting felt relaxing and rejuvenating for my body and mind. I could relax and create something of value. That’s always been important to my spirit. My spirit rejoices in endeavors that create value.

But it’s been years ago. I stopped knitting and sewing when computers and the Internet became all consuming. I bet you can relate to that, can’t you?

Know what I would do to relax in recent years? Play solitaire on the computer. Yes, it works. Playing solitaire does clear my mind and relaxes me. But playing solitaire creates nothing of value. And it’s clear that my spirit has suffered accordingly.

So, I’m stepping back…grabbing that true sustenance I need!

I no longer have a sewing machine but I do have a couple of just-started-knitting sweaters in the back of the closet. I’m gonna pull them out and get back to those basics. Yes!

I’ll keep you posted on my progress with my truly sustaining “food.”

In the meantime…tell me…what nourishes you? Is it:

  • Dancing
  • Singing
  • Painting
  • Skating
  • Fishing
  • Running

I’d LOVE to hear from you! Please share! Thank you…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Unrequited Marriage

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“Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.”  ~ Alan Watts

 

Once upon a time, Gail, a 21-year-old woman, found herself romantically pursued by “Marcus,” a 23-year-old man.

Now Gail did not date much. She focused on her senior year of college. Dating/relationships were low on her list of things to accomplish.

Gail and Marcus knew one another through mutual friends. Marcus seemed a decent guy. He was handsome. He was a smooth talker and a classy dresser.

But Marcus had one life habit that completely turned Gail off. Marcus was, as they say in the vernacular, a “playa.” Big time. Huge. He had lots of young woman lining up to “socialize” with him. Now Gail was no prude, and this was before AIDS and other STDs became today’s nightmares. Still, a wantonly promiscuous man was unattractive to her.

So when Marcus set his sights on dating Gail, she said to herself, “Yuck. No way. He’s asking for a casual date but all he wants is casual sex. He’s only interested in carving another ‘notch on his headboard.’ Nope. Not with this girl. Ain’t happening. No sense dating and wasting his time…or mine.”

Marcus kept pursuing…not offensively so…just persistently. Finally, Gail decided to give him a chance. He asked for a date—she would go out with him. She realized she was only responsible for the choice to respond yes or no to his request for a date. Whatever further expectations he had, well, that was on him.

Wouldn’t ya know it? This guy was loads of fun! He was a gentleman, witty, knew and loved Shakespeare’s plays. (You’re kidding me, right?) Gail had the best time with him and agreed to see him again.

They dated off and on for several months. It’s funny, but any potential sexual stuff was never even discussed. Marcus seemed to know that it wasn’t going to happen. Even so, he kept calling and they kept going out and having a wonderful time together.

After about three months, Marcus’s calls stopped. Gail went about her life; she assumed Marcus did the same. Four months later, Marcus called and their dating resumed. Gail never asked him about the four-month hiatus. Why would she? He owed her no explanation. He was not her boyfriend; they were free agents.

This pattern—approximately three months on/four months off—continued over the next year and a half. Not a single sexual encounter passed between Gail and Marcus. None.

One day, Marcus called. “I have a wonderful opportunity. My uncle has several successful businesses in Atlanta. He has no children and he wants an heir-apparent. He’s asked me to join him, help him run the businesses, and eventually inherit them.”

“That’s wonderful news, Marcus. I’m happy for you!” And Gail truly meant those words. “When do you leave?”

“My family is throwing me a party this Saturday night. I leave for Atlanta on Tuesday. Would you attend the going away party with me?”

“Certainly, I will.”

The party was extravagant, lovely, loving. Afterward, Marcus and Gail sat in his car in the parking lot. He was quiet. She assumed he was sad about leaving home and family. He turned and took her hand in his.

“I’d love it if you would move to Atlanta with me.”

HUH? Gail stared at him. “You mean move to Atlanta permanently, as in—live together, you have a job so I get a job, we get an apartment, we are boyfriend and girlfriend or even husband and wife? Like THAT?

“Yes. Whichever one suits you. If you say you will only go if you have an engagement ring on your finger, I will have you a diamond ring by close of business tomorrow.”

Gail got ready to throw back her head and laugh. That’s a very silly joke, Marcus. But she didn’t laugh–she didn’t speak.  She looked into his face. He was serious as a heart attack.

From that night in Marcus’s car, to this very day, Gail has never again spoken to nor laid eyes on Marcus. He did join his uncle in Atlanta. Whatever further path his life has taken, Gail knows nothing about it.

Of course she did not accept his proposal. She believes she spoke thoughtfully and sensitively as she let him down. That is her recollection, at least.

Yes, the Gail in the story is Gail Roddy. Over the years, while I’ve thought of this experience from time to time, the recent release of the movie, Act like a lady, think like a man and Steve Harvey’s 90 day rule, brought it to the forefront of my mind again and made me ask the following questions:

  • Why did Marcus continue to date me, months at a time, even with no sexual contact between us?
  • Did he keep coming back because he thought I was the ultimate challenge?
  • Did he think he would eventually “break me down?”
  • Why did Marcus want to marry me? It was no secret that I was a very young woman just having fun. I wasn’t in love…with him or anyone else.
  • He was young too. He clearly liked women and loved having sex with them. He didn’t need to marry. He could go to Atlanta and have an entire new cadre of beautiful, willing young women to woo. Why marry?
  • Did he have negative intentions? Get me to Atlanta away from my support system, marry me, then continue his ‘playa’ life style?

If you say, “Gail, perhaps he was just in love with you.” Then that brings up my biggest questions:

  • How could he be in love with me, want to marry me, when we never had sex?
  • I thought a man couldn’t be in love with a woman if there’s no sexual contact?
  • Isn’t it true that for men, expressing romantic love is impossible without having sex?

I know you men reading this can’t possibly know exactly what Marcus was thinking. But since you are men, do you have an educated guess? Please comment and help me lay this puzzle to rest.

Thanks. I appreciate it!

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Hurtful Words, Healing Choices (part 2 of 2)

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“Always walk through life as if you have something new to learn and you will.”  ~  Vernon Howard

 

“What do you think, Auntie G? Do you think Bill’s marital advice to me will be very different from yours?”

I was on the phone with my cousin’s 31-year-old daughter, “Paige.” She had called and asked my advice about a common marital dilemma–your partner unwittingly hurt your feelings. What do you do?

Knowing that I’ve been married for 22 years, and she for 4 years, Paige wanted to hear my perspective as she’s deciding how best to deal with the situation. I’d just finished giving her several things I thought she might use to help resolve this particular issue.

(Read our conversation in the previous blog post, Hurtful Words, Healing Choices (part 1 of 2)

I called Bill into the room so he could give Paige a husband’s perspective.

“Here’s Bill, Paige honey.” I handed Bill the phone.  “I’ll let you two talk.”

“Hi there, Paige! Why don’t you tell me what advice my loving wife gave you?” Bill laughed. “Now give me the brief version. I’m sure I’ve heard it before!”

Paige filled him in; Bill listened, nodding his head.

“Interesting advice, Paige. I agree with Gail. Coming from a male perspective and a long-term husband perspective, I guess I do have something to add:

“Paige, as men, we can sometimes say some really bone-head things to our spouses.  I can volunteer myself as an example. When Gail and I were in the first few years of marriage, I remember some of the bone-headed things I said to her.  I had no intention of deliberately trying to hurt her.  I was in my early 30s, had never been married.  Looking back, I realize I had spent my 20s in a state of selfishness.  Life had been all about me, my, mine. While that’s normal for a single person; for a single man, it has poor consequences. We don’t shift to sharing quite as easily as women. I think it’s biology. Still, men can and need to learn to share. It’s healthier for us.

Sometimes as men we don’t understand the powerful effect our words can have on loved ones. I don’t believe men will ever stop saying these things. Even those of us who have nothing but the best intentions. I have no problem admitting that we need help from others to increase our awareness of this tendency we have.

These three things work with me in raising my awareness when:

  • Gail brings something to my attention in a loving manner
  • She tells me while she’s holding my hand or some other small, simple, loving physical gesture
  • She doesn’t compare me to any other man, whether it’s her father, brother, past boyfriend. Nothing will make me shut down quicker.

When a man, who is deeply in love with his spouse, is made aware of a tendency that causes her pain, he should automatically want to start working on it.  But he needs to know that you will have patience and forgiveness. That doesn’t mean you let him slide. On the contrary, you do need to let us know that there are boundaries. A true, adult man, will have no problem with that.

I have learned to become self-aware of the words that I use everyday with Gail.  Paige, please be patient with Art and yourself. As Gail said, you have your whole marriage to practice and learn “getting it right.” Gail and I will always be available to help in anyway we can.

Love always and take care.

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Hurtful Words, Healing Choices (part 1 of 2)

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Manhood Matters in Marriage

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“If a man does not have an ideal and try to live up to it, then he becomes a mean, base and sordid creature, no matter how ‘successful.’”  ~  Teddy Roosevelt

 

On Friday, I blogged my thoughts on what I’ve learned through my 22-year journey in striving to create and maintain a lasting, healthy marital bond.

Saturday night, over dinner, champagne, and soft music I asked Bill the following. I specifically asked him in first person tense. I was NOT trying to trap him; I sincerely wondered if he ever thought of himself striving in any life endeavor separate from “us.” And if he had such thoughts, it would be OK with me:

“Honey, where do you see yourself—what do you see yourself doing 5 years from today?”

Well…Bill didn’t skip a meter. Didn’t stop for a moment to ponder and process the question. He spoke of lofty plans, unfolding dreams, expectations of success, prosperity…all prefixed with:

  • We
  • Us
  • Our

Bill Roddy is serious about Manhood. He truly believes a man MUST take care of the family he creates. He doesn’t just consider this a necessity; he considers this a privilege. Why a privilege? This is what he told me:

“Manhood needs a positive reason to go out into the world. Yes, we men have a propensity to want to slay dragons all day long. It’s how our brains are hard-wired. But we have to slay dragons for a higher purpose. Slaying dragons just because we can and because dragons exist, can move manhood into selfishness and callousness.  Even I feel uncomfortable in the company of such men—men who live for self. I can only imagine how a woman feels around them.

“There is no higher purpose for a man than the safety and well being of women and children. Of course I know that you are fully capable of taking care of yourself. That’s comforting to know that if something happens to me, you are able to support and maintain our standard of living.

“Still, I get up each morning wondering:

  • How can I be a better man for her?
  • How can I go out and do things that make her look upon me with pride when I come home to her?
  • How can I maintain the where-with-all to secure those material goods that keep her protected?
  • I can certainly indulge myself in a lot of ego driven, ego-serving, selfish things. They might even be loads of fun! But would any of those indulgences be worth the pain of seeing her tears?

“Man-hood with a purpose greater than itself is the key to a man-life of health and peace. And health and peace make for privilege—the privilege of a satisfied, empowered life.”

Well said, my love. Well said. Thank you.

 

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Marriage Promise Commitment

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“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”  ~  Lao Tzu

 

Bill Roddy and I married 22 years ago today. Amazing. I can hardly believe it has been that long. I vividly remember looking up into his terrified face and reciting my vows. Yesterday. Seems like yesterday.

So what have I learned through this 22-year commitment? I’ve learned that:

  • I like marriage
  • I really like Bill Roddy
  • It gets easier as the years roll along
  • It gets more humorous as the years roll along
  • It DOES NOT take a lot of work. It DOES take constant vigilance and discernment
  • Men are weird creatures to live with under the same roof

What have I learned about what qualities it takes to create a healthy marriage?

  • Courage

I know many people—male and female—who have been “burned” in relationships. I know it does take great courage to move out again onto that fragile limb and take the risk that the limb won’t break beneath you.  I also know many people who tried once or twice and never tried again. It’s been years—decades even—since they’ve felt true human-to-human bonding. They are difficult people to be around. Hearts become hard without the softening power of connection. And a hardened heart quickly withers and succumbs. I’ve found that Courage leads to:

  • Commitment

Commitment is courage, too. It takes courage to say, “I’m gonna use all constructive resources to keep us on track. I’ll never cease learning new resources to aid in our communal development. I’m gonna exhaust all my resources before I give up on this marriage commitment.” I’ve found that Commitment leads to:

  • Gratitude

Most aspects of our culture have slipped away from Gratitude. We all want more and more and more. It frightens me when look around and realize how many folks I know have money—and literally nothing else. It frightens me when I observe them striving to get more money, more things, as though that’s the key. And the most frightening of all? They are so long removed from sustenance that they don’t even know how anymore to secure those aspects of life that truly nourish us.

I find that the quality of relationship with Bill fills me with Gratitude. It’s not that Bill fills me or sustains me—the peace and connection we have decided to create together allows me to fill and sustain myself. I will never take that peace for granted.

It’s kind of like when a child feels safe, protected, he won’t feel a desire to harm self or others. He can go about the business of growing/living for he has known peace and safety in his inner circle. Then he will go out into the world confident that there must be other places and people of peace and safety. He will gravitate toward those places and people.

Provide peace for one another. Be grateful for this peace. Teach your children by example that life thrives when peace reigns.

That’s what I know to be true about creating a healthy marriage. And I know that these same qualities will create a healthy life for you—married or single.

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People, Ethics, and Business

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“If the career you have chosen has some unexpected inconvenience, console yourself by reflecting that no career is without them.” 

~ Jane Fonda

“I have a business question for you Mrs. Roddy. It’s actually a people issue.”

Another young entrepreneur had lunch with me today.  I’m proud that these young men and women feel they can share anything with me—business and personal. He looked up from the menu. I could  feel his urgency to understand and resolve a dilemma.

“I connected with a network group that has brought me lots of business clients. I’m struggling with one thing, though. I give the client the contract, they read it, sign it, and then still expect me to provide additional not-agreed-upon services once I’m on the site.

“It’s puts me in a difficult bind, Mrs. Roddy. I bring a crew, we have a certain amount of time to finish the job, and I have to pay the crew.  The client seems to think it’s no big deal for us to spend another hour or more on details. I don’t get why people don’t understand a contract.  If they want that additional service, I’m happy to provide…just not for free. Am I wrong?”

“That is one thing we’ve all had to deal with in the beginning of our businesses,” I responded.  “I know exactly the frustration you feel. You are right.”

“I’m starting to wonder about this particular group of clients. Those clients asking for free services make complaints to the networking group that referred me as though I’m cheating them or something.”

“Everything is itemized in the contract?”

“Everything. I’ve already lost some income. Since I’m on the site, I’ve gone ahead and provided the extra service with the client’s promise that they would pay me. Most didn’t pay for that extra, Mrs. Roddy.”

“You know what? Rather than just give you my thoughts, let me put out a FB request to some truly savvy business strategists I know. Let’s see what they have to say!”

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Elder Wisdom (part 2 of 2)

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“Be proud to wear you.”  ~  Dovinsky

I have long been a dreamer…literally. My paternal and maternal grandmothers and aunts were fascinated with dreams. Dream analysis holds strong tradition among my rural Arkansas born and raised African-American female kin.

During my childhood visits to their farm, our dreams were a favorite conversation with my Grandmothers Queen and Bertha. They’d ask me, “Honey, what did you dream last night?” Great-aunt Sylvia declared, “Dreams are God’s Whispers.”

And so it was…four years ago, the following dream gave me the validation I needed to dispense with my desperate ruminations about my value in the world. I was able to let go and embrace confidence and respect for where I am, my talent, and how I move through the world…

I walked into my kitchen to find my four grandparents sitting around the table. Their heads were bowed as if in prayer. I sat down knowing that they were at my table to pass on some important wisdom to their granddaughter.

 Now my grandparents are deceased for many years. Three were born in the 1890s. I felt awe and anticipation.  I waited for them to speak to me.

Grandmother Queen slowly raised her head and looked me in the eye. “We have a confession to make.” The bowed heads were actually embarrassment and shame!

They shared humbling stories of youthful indiscretions (100 years ago?) that still generated shame. The four were also having serious marital disagreements and wanted current info about how to better get along with one’s spouse. They were serious!

Huh? Wait a minute…I’m the granddaughter. You are the wise elders. You want to confess…to ME? The ancestors seek my counsel? In the afterlife?

I was flabbergasted.

I awoke. I felt a calm and connection in that experience that welled water in my eyes.

The ancestors, the people who gave life to my body, are passing the baton to me. Time is not “running out” for me. My aging is a positive passage. Now I am perceived as wise one, an inspirer, a connector, and an elder for my family.

Some of you might think this dream is symbolic and not “real.” That’s OK —you could be correct.

But does it matter? It changed my life. Stopped my self-shaming—cold.

The world may think my talents lack razzle/dazzle. My grandparents and I are one, and my grandparents think that who I am, the things I do that make my heart and other’s hearts sing, are just about priceless.

That’s good enough for me now, too.

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Elder Wisdom (part 1 of 2)

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“Use what talent you possess. The world would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang loudest.”  ~ Henry Van Dyke

Much of the last decade, I went through a dark night of the soul. I felt like a failure.

Yep…

I replayed these desperate thoughts: “I’m getting older, it’s the beginning of the 21st century, time is running out for me. By this age…

  • I should have advanced degrees…even though I don’t want them
  • I should have a mansion on a hill…even though I don’t want one
  • I should be taking exotic vacations…even though I don’t care to
  • I should have parlayed my talent into millions of dollars into our bank account…and I haven’t succeeded (even though I’ve tried)
  • I should have letters behind my name, a corner office on some 10th floor, plaques on the wall that cite awards from CNBC, Entrepreneur Magazine, the Governor, the President, the Dalai Lama, Oprah Winfrey…and I don’t really care that I don’t have

Shame. On. Me.

Wanna know what brought on these recriminations? I have one major talent, a talent I’ve known about most of my life, a talent that when I allow its expression, brings me immense satisfaction, peace, and joy.

But much of our culture thinks my talent is…worthless, because my talent isn’t razzle/dazzle. It can’t be bottled, packaged, marketed, hung on the wall, and sold to the highest bidder.

So I was stuck in this loop of thinking, “Since our culture views my talent worthless, I need to give it up, concentrate on cultivating another talent, one the world will value. To do any less is to be a failure.”

Yesterday, while having lunch with Dara Moore Beevas, I was reminded of my talent, how much I love expressing it. As I listened to beautiful, brilliant, young Dara speak of her longings, her joys, her frustrations, her satisfactions, my mind drifted back to that night 4 years ago, and the event that ended my self-shaming…

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